THE THEORY
by MB Otaku
Summary: ‘I am being stalked by anime characters.’ The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?
1. THE THEORY

Title: The Theory

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

I own nothing, except for the fact that this all actually happened to, the joke is mine, as are the tingles and feelings and sightings. The YYH characters belong to FUNimation (sp?). Please Review. I'm a newbie; punctuation is kinda bleh so I need criticism. I welcome flames. Bring it on.

**Chapter 1 – THE THEORY**

I am being stalked by anime characters. It's true. There are actual anime characters that have been following me around. I believe it all started the day I made a perverse comment about a character's sibling, but before that I must explain the intricacies of the anime world and ours. I have always been a strong believer in the fact that anime/manga characters have existed, mainly on a plane separate from our own i.e. the one that we live one. I always considered the episodes showed on television to be documentaries of their lives and maybe, perchance and perhaps, they were watching us too. As a result of them existing on another plane, there was always the possibility of them being able to 'cross-over' into our plane and live among us. Whether they'd be able to co-exist with us successfully is still moot point…..until now, of course.

Which brings me to my point and the whole point of this rant/speech. I believe that the characters of the anime/manga Yu Yu Hakusho have entered onto this plane and have been following, not only me, but my friends, sometimes attacking, helping in small ways or merely making brief, almost unseen appearances. The aforementioned perverse comment pertains to Kazuma Kuwabara and Yukina. It goes as such:

'Since Yukina is an ice apparition, would she freeze off Kuwabara's balls if she performed oral sex on him?'"

To fans of the show, they'd be aware of Kuwabara's feelings towards Yukina and that she is the sister of the ever-loving, ever-violent Hiei. Yukina however has no knowledge of Hiei's familial ties to her and is still in an ironic search for her brother. Moving along, as was expected from the friends I asked the previous question, they laughed their otaku asses off. One even remarked that if Hiei were here he'd kill me…..and now I have proof this is so.

Shortly after I made the comment and was on my way to class, I felt an extreme and painful tingle in my right shoulder. I firmly believe this was Hiei's attempt to strike me down. I continued to experience these pains for about 2-3- weeks on my shoulder, ass-cheek, back and sides. I am under the impression that he did not try to slash my neck open because the annoying little bastard is too short. …that comment may earn me another week of stalkings. To reinforce my opinion of Hiei's presence in this plane, I have ocular proof….I've seen him, for you people who got confused by the word ocular. During class or while doing homework at home, I have seen the occasional flash of black out of the corners of my eyes. No, not both eyes at the same time. Others may argue that I could've been hallucinating, or it was the light or something fell. Bullshit. I'd like for someone 'rational' to explain how a black flash can fall from outside my classroom window and disappear in another direction as it falls out of view. Even more, in every fanfic. ever written the only indication that Hiei was around was a black flash, mainly due to his speed and his full black attire. It amazes me how the chibi bastard never sweats.

As the sightings continued, I informed my friends of my little….'friend'. after about a week and a half (9 – 12 days give or take), another friend of mine began seeing black flashes. She however, had more proof than I, hers being bodily as she came to school with an 'unexplained' scar on her face. The obvious and rational explanation is that Hiei had attacked her, either for laughing at my evil comment or simply out of idleness. The scratch was small and thin, one that a sword might produce if swung with no intention to harm, merely to draw blood. And thus I have come to the conclusion that Hiei is here, in this plane. But I believe there is one more.

I believe that Yoko Kurama has accompanied chibi man…Hiei to this plane. To keep him from doing something he'd regret later or for amusement or other reasons, I do not know, but like Hiei, I have felt his presence in my everyday surroundings. A newly made garden lies just in front of my homeroom. Late one afternoon I saw the poor gardener that works for the hellhole that is the school attend turn the soil over. I saw as he planted the seeds and watered the earth. I saw, because I am extremely idle, it was after school and I was in no rush to go home and attack the piles of pointless homework the 'upstanding educators' pile on us……but I had to leave. I needed to pee and I don't trust school bathrooms. Wouldn't want to get Hepatitis C, now would I?

Anyhoo, on my return to the hellhole (school, in case you forgot) the garden was a-blooming. I've studied biology and I know enough to know that while plants are boring as hell, they are indeed amazing and can survive under most conditions. But nowhere in that tampon's amount of knowledge did I learn that plants could grow, bloom, flower and whatever else in one freaking day!!! This is, not to say of course, that I wasn't overjoyed that I had proof Kurama-kun was hear. As far as flashes of clothing go, I have only seen one white flash, white as the demon Yoko wears full white. I am doubtful if it was actually him or whether or not it was Hiei wearing his pants, though why Yoko is naked in my house, I don't know…not like I have a problem with it, but if he's going to be naked I want to see…..and so does my digital camera.

Other 'minor' characters from Yu Yu Hakusho may have crossed over as well, for example:

Rinku. Proof: the little chit keeps trying to trip me with his yoyos along with the friend Hiei attacked,

Jin – the wind-master. Proof: skirts keep flying up and trees have been basically bending over. I refuse to believe these are mere weather conditions. My otaku mentality won't let me.

As far as other characters are concerned, I have seen no sign of them but I hold out immense hope that the rest of them will cross-over and those that are here will show themselves. Hell, I welcome the bad guys too. Might make detention a bit more interesting. Until then, I can only watch, wait and see until I get more valid proof for my theory….preferably proof in the form of Yoko or Yusuke's naked body, but I'll take what I can get.

End Chapter 1.

A/N: what I said earlier before about the sightings and stuff is true, my friend actually did get cut, I've seen and felt all that or maybe I should ease up on the Panadol, but whatever. So if you like it so far or you want to see where it goes and how it plays out, please review and give ideas of what you might like to see.


	2. Freezer Burn

Title: The Theory

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

I own nothing except my keyboard and vanilla caramel brownie ice cream. Can you feel your arteries clogging?

**_______________**

In response to **Aviarianna O Lorien** review/question (thanks so much by the way), yeah I saw and felt all of the first chapter. Of course it was all during a stressful time –exams are mind assassins- so they might've been manifestations of the stress or something smart sounding like that. But it's so much more fun to believe otherwise.

So from here on out it's mostly fiction; this chapter might be a little boring but I shall do my best to make it better Enjoy.

**_______________**

**Chapter 2 – FREEZER BURN**

Waking up has never been a bigger pain in the ass than today.

Normally it would have just been a regular Thursday morning: wake up, eat, go back to sleep only to be forcefully awakened by mother's dulcet screaming, shower, bitch about cold water, bitch how hot it is, bitch about the school uniform, get in the car and go to school while bitching about homeless people. Seriously, do they need to kiss my window? No but the norm was broken by the ailment that makes all of a certain age groan in trepidation and annoyance at its beginning:

My goddamned period. Yes behold! for never has there been a larger stain in my sheets than the pancake fiasco I shall not mention here. So the morning slowed down greatly ending with me downing on of my mother's arthritis pills for the pain.

"How many did you take?" my mother asks. Tall and squishy, she's the ultimate pillow if you don't pay attention to the gurgling in her stomach.

"Why, how many was I supposed to take?" I shook the packet looking questioningly from it to her.

"Munchi (for that is what she calls me)", she said sighing. "Just tell me how many you took."

"Mommy seeing as how we're already late why don't you just tell me how many I should've taken and then I'll tell you if we need to worry."

Shaking her head she left me there at the counter and walked out the door, leaving me to turn on the alarm and lock up. 'I could just go back to sleep,' I thought. 'I could just crawl into bed, close my eyes and slip off into dreamland where Kurama's doing a Herbal Essences commercial shoot.' Moving towards the room, I was fully engaged within the daydream until the violent blast of the car horn brought me out of my revelry and out the door tripping on my laces and suffocating on the cloying Jamaican heat; I only barely saw the crow sitting in the telephone line as mother dearest pulled out of the driveway.

The drive to school was uneventful excluding the uncomfortable shifting of the extra protective wings (screw you always and your adhesive……but the packaging is so pretty). Driving onto the compound I was greeted by the blaring morning sun and the incoming traffic. I could hardly distinguish between my mother's speaking, the car radio, Diary of Jane blaring in my ears and screaming student's walking in. All the sounds mixed to give the familiar cacophony I associate with weekday mornings. I was dropped off to the curb and then began the looooong walk to my homeroom. I took the scenic route because who really wants to see their teacher first thing in the morning?

My fellow colleagues/prisoners moved about within the pastel pink walls of the school, white shirts interspersed with the blue of the 6th formers (12th grade). I, in my 5th form (11th grade) was still considered one of the lower-schoolers, marked by our white shirt/skirt set, brown shoes and socks and blue tie. How we envied the free collar of the appropriately dubbed 'blue-coats', with their shorter skirts, white socks and black shoes, dirty now seeing as how the week and Christmas/Fall term were almost up. But I shall grieve not since I'm at the door of my homeroom and must stay there until devotion was done. Going to a Catholic all-girls school had its setbacks as far as regimen and discipline was concerned, but it's surprising how many girls you encounter with blazing yaoi fetishes and other 'interesting' characteristics.

I took my seat and waited for the bell, as my good friend Zahra Aikman turned to accost me. I couldn't help smiling despite the Pearl Harbor reenactment in my womb because, well, Zahra is just that cute. Dark skin and a high forehead, glasses resting on a face with small features, she's just fun to look at.

"Adri, Adri, Adri, guess what?"

"What, what, what?" I couldn't help the mocking tone that crept into my voice. Hey I menstrual, cut me some slack.

"This morning Verona was doing a sexy dance in the cafeteria like this," she shakes her ample bosom to demonstrate. "And then she was singing and doing a strip tease."

Laughing I looked over at the lump of human (?) sitting beside me. Verona, while conscious and retaining some motor skills was by no means functional before 9 in the morning and could only manage to flip Zahra off before she collapsed once more into her jacket. The bell rang before more could be said but not before I stole Zahra's glasses and shoved it down her shirt, cuz that's how I show my love.

First class: physics. First thought: fuck. I met up with Kathryna and Laura, my fellow compatriots and sufferers of scientific torture. We joined the herd of cattle as each moved about to their class and we three loitered at the bookstore before trudging off the class. Gratefully Mrs. Prabahar (with amazing birthing hips might I add) was absent and so I could spend the class time being constructive: curled up on the floor clutching at the stool. God bless that woman and her curly chin hairs.

"Adrienne, you dead?" Kathryna asked, expressing her concern seeing as how I was her stool and leg I was clutching on. A groan was all I could manage.

"You guys I found the _sexiest_ yaoi fic last night," Laura began flipping bangs out of her eyes. "Kurama ends up being everybody's bitch; even Koenma's which was kinda strange.'

"Did he use his pacifier?" Ryna asked, trying to sit comfortably on the stool with me sprawled over it.

"Kathryna you need to shave." I stated plainly.

"EXCUSE ME?!" she had the nerve to sound indignant.

"You need to be more accommodating when I want to lean on you; I can't have your fucking bushman pubic leg hairs stabbing me in the throat." To which I received a lovely kick and landed fully on the ground. There's no love I tell you. The rest of the class continued with the yaoi/manga/nonsense discussion above me head until the bell rang.

The next class, English Lit. absolutely pointless seeing as how I slept out the entire thing and so the next and most important event of any school day commences: LUNCH. There is nothing more entertaining the hungry Jamaican teenage girls. I don't give a shit what's on TV. very few things can come close to the play on senses it offers. The sound of rushing, stampeding feet. You see the girls screaming as they rush to get to the line. You'll definitely feel the urgency as you're shoved out of the way and given the stink-eye all at once. It's magic. You know that scene in 300 where it's raining and all the Spartans are yelling and cheering in the rain? Yeah something like that except with forward motion and without the visual effects, rain and muscles. That is if you exclude the track team girls.

Not being able to differentiate between cramps and gas, I walked up to the benches where most of the upper-schoolers claimed as their feeding grounds. I copped a space and assumed the fetal position, always a favorite, as I awaited everyone's arrival. The first were Laura and Chantal, the latter being informed of the _sexy_ yaoi fic by the vertically challenged Asian Jamaican hybrid. Her statute all eastern, but them titties ain't……ignore that. Chantal, 5'5" and a little loopy listened as best she could with the height difference, her short mushroom hair bobbing as she walked. They were soon followed by Kathryna (whose short buzz cut did not allow for wind-bobbing), Zahra and Verona (now fully functional and awake) and Aisha and Tedi. Tedi, tall, dark and skinny crossed her limbs as she sat on the floor and Aisha, slightly shorter and much darker (barely brown) took her 'seat'.

Now lunch could truly begin.

Food moved about the lunch group as girls who'd been friends for a while and completely lost their inhibitions with one another could do. A chicken leg moved across the gap in the centre, half a sandwich disappeared into a neighbor's mouth and someone _deigned_ to remove the drink cooling in my igloo. The wretch.

"Verona," I said, looking at her through squinted eyelids for that was all my discomfort would allow. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"What?" she asked, looking as innocent as Satan himself as her hand hung midair holding my drink. "I didn't do anything."

"Why's my drink in your hand?"

"What drink?"

It's a good thing we're such good friends otherwise we'd never have been able to smack the shit out of each other and I end up victorious.

"Can I have some?" she asked sighing.

"Some what?" I asked slurping loudly from the wet can." I don't know what you're talking about I said smiling as Chantal's shoulders shook with quiet laughter and Verona just looked at me. I shook the can before I looked at her contemplatively. "You really want some Verona?"

"Yes Adrienne, I am kindly asking you for some of your drink." She's so humble.

"Well then you can drink it from my mouth can you not? Otherwise you don't really want it do you?" I took a long slurp from the can, jut for good measure. Aisha's telling of her prior weekend's promiscuity took her attention as I went on to fish inside……somebody's bag for manga. Aahhh, Model. Smexy Asian vampires. Good stuff. I chipped in and out of the general conversation:

"……standing there and this guy comes up and grabs my front (crotch basically)!! So I turn to him and I'm like 'what the fuck man!!? Who the fuck do you think you are……'"

"Oh I like that dress she has on but just not _on_ her."

"Yeah the color doesn't seem to match her skin tone very well. OH MY GOD CHECK THE SHOES!!!"

"Oh, shiny…………" I couldn't help laughing as I listened to them flip through the latest issue of InStyle magazine, Tedi, Laura and Kathryna were notorious for their love of 'the glossy-s' and Chantal's random input was always enjoyable.

Suddenly the wind kicked up and the pages of the magazine fluttered wildly, some tearing out and flying off into eh distance. The page was soon followed by Laura chasing it as she hadn't finished reading it. I watched in disbelief s the 4'-something girl jumped after the page in vain as the poui trees, in bloom way to early, submitted their blossoms to the breeze. It was such a nice atmosphere until someone started throwing fries and then more pages ripped out and………well I think I'll just skip past that for convenience.

After lunch was the return to homeroom and then chemistry class which went by well enough with the usual amount of equipment breaking, someone inhaling chemical as we tried to maneuver the pipette along with a few uncontrollable explosions; run of the mill stuff. And just to close off the day, a good heaping dose of Religious Education appropriately dubbed Nap Time Mr. Joseph Buckland's drone would even put Jesus Himself to sleep. Well maybe not; He'd probably be too busy turning the water in water coolers to wine (if only. Like a buzz wouldn't help us out).

And the day was done. Kind of. Before we were granted freedom, we had to listen to our illustrious principal and her final address for the day. Sister Angela Harris is kind of like the Xerxes to Immaculate Conception High School. I could hardly control my head as it slammed into the desk as the headmistress kept speaking.

"………Good afternoon, get home safely." The bell rang me out of my stupor.

"YEEEEES!!"

"Miss?"

"Huh?" I said looking up at the person who immediately appeared beside me, who of course would have to be my teacher. 'Oh right, he's still here huh?'

"Would you like to lead us in prayer?" he asked, seemingly oblivious to where I'd like to lead my foot right now.

"Um, sure? Um…thank you God for carrying us here and please bless us on our way back. Thank you…..amen?"

A resounding 'amen' followed by a rush towards the door. Many goodbyes were said as I walked through the sea of students, tripping several times over my own feet before I got to my mother's car. The trenches in her brow told me that she needed to talk at somebody, so I asked:

"You alright?"

"YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT THOSE………"

I barely heard anything as she finally drove into the driveway. "Oh look at all the garlic blossoms, so pretty!"

'Yeah great, she calms down once she's done screaming at me for something I haven't done,' I thought shaking my head as we went inside.

"So I'll see you later and there's food on the counter; I have to go pack for tomorrow," I was still ignoring her as she slammed the door behind her. I went into my room turning on the light and just looked at the stain that was still very much there. The light flickered and I blinked several times looking around the room. I saw the moths fluttering around the light and dismissed the thought. Turning on the TV. I fell on the bed and let VH1 watch me as I dozed off into neverland. Hellooooooooo Johnny Depp.

Evening came, homework passed and soon it was Friday, which passed very much like Thursday with the exception of my mother abandoning me for the weekend.

"So you have all the emergency numbers?"

"Yup."

"And remember Auntie Nellie is picking you up in the morning for bio class tomorrow."

"Sure."

"I wonder if I have everything." She wasn't really talking _to_ me, mostly to her luggage.

"I'm sure you do," I said watching as she moved around her bags, writing on tags. A car pulled up to the gate and honked. The driver came out and piled mum's bags into the trunk.

"I love you and make sure you eat and do your homework and don't open the door to anybody, and don't leave your key in the door and lock the grill before you go to sleep and turn on the alarm and don't burn down the house and I'll be back on Sunday night and-"

"Ma you have to leave before you can come back and I think the taximan is going to drive off with your luggage." One more large bear hug was exchanged before I went inside and closed the door against the leaves being blown about by the wind.

And there I was, alone in the house for the weekend. I was faced with the numerous painting and sculptures in our little house and the slight emptiness. So what did I do?

Dance around in my underwear?

Throw a house party?

Invite over my special someone for naughty play? (that's not even possible seeing as how he does not exist)

No. I, Adrienne Barton, took a nap and it was the most glorious one I ever had because I knew I would wake at my body's whim and not to someone hollering ever-so-sweetly in my ear. Of course I woke up 10 minutes later complaining pissed off at extreme hunger I could feel in my nose. Making my way to the kitchen I scavenged around and warmed up something that looked kind of edible. Opening the freezer half of the fridge I was greeted by loud crackling down at the bottom.

'The fuck? The fridge can not stop working as soon as my meal ticket drives away.' Squatting down I peered into the icy depths of the fridge and saw the light flickering behind bags of frozen meat. Nothing seemed to be happening, the light just kept hissing at me. 'Pfft. Oh well, nothing a few good kicks can't solve' which I dealt with violence and grace if I do day so myself. After the meal, which I later identified as chicken...maybe, the rest of the day came and evening fell and I soon learnt that aimless freedom results in maniacal boredom and yes such a thing exists.

It was around 11 o' clock that things changed.

In my ninth hour of a solitaire/Comedy Central/fanfiction/manga marathon, I heard a distinct thud from the kitchen. It's a small house, takes like 45 seconds from one end to another and sounds carry. So anyways, distinct thud. Of course I thought it was the blood draining from my eyes after so much time in front of the fluorescent box but the thudding became persistent and more than a little annoying so I went to check it out. Plus I had ice cream in the fridge and I needed sustenance.

Opening the freezer, my ears were once more assaulted by hissing again and my legs by the cold. The thudding had stopped y the time I got the big spoon and cupped. Taking out the ice cream I closed the door and went about meal prep.

THUD.

I stopped with the spoon digging into the pint of vanilla caramel brownie ice cream and looked over my shoulder at the fridge door daring it to do that again. I refuse to be a horror movie victim; I'm too cute. It didn't so I went about my business and replaced the ice cream. Taking up the cup I was made my way out of the kitchen and turned off the kitchen light.

THUD.

'Son of a bitch,' I thought, turning the light back on and looking at the fridge as is Stephen King had planted it there. And I'm a King fan, so I know I'm probably screwed. So, knowing of my imminent doom I decided to have fun anyway and walked over to the fridge eating my ice cream. Like I'd stop because of a thud. Ha. I leaned against the counter opposite the fridge and stared down the white finish of the fridge's surface.

THUD THUD.

'Ohh, persistent are we?' I thought and kicked the fridge.

THUD! The fridge sounded angry. In fact the thudding seemed to be coming from the freezer half of the godforsaken appliance. So just to screw with it I tapped out a rhythm on the freezer door. There was silence as I waited for whatever was inside to respond. When it didn't I gave the door one more kick for good measure and went about my business fear alleviated.

THUD. THUD. THUMP-FUCKING-THUD!!!!! The appliance was shaking with the force of the blows and I couldn't have the thing falling over because, well how do you explain that? 'Sorry mom, but the fridge tipped over because something inside wanted to get out?' that leaves all kinds of murder mystery doors open and I don't want to get killed. I mean I know my mother loves me but I had to get my violence somewhere right?

So, spoon still in my mouth, I went over to freezer door and opened it before the whole thing fell over on me. Whatever had been in there reached out as soon as the door opened and grabbed on to my ankle. The nerve.

So I started screaming and slamming the door on the protruding arm. Well what would you do if a limb was sticking out of your favorite appliance?

"NOOOOO!! MOTHERFUCKING VILE EVIL SON OF A BITCH DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!! I HAVE TOO MUCH MANGA TO READ TO DIE NOW!!!I REFUSE TO DIE A VIRGIN SO FUUUUUCK YOOOOUUUU!!!!!" I explained, my hair flying as I wildly slammed the door on the arm. (Well what would you have said?)

As I took a breath for the next paragraph of cursing, the….thing called out pitifully, "Goddamn you woman would you stop doing that for one fucking second?!?!"

And I stopped because I am a lonely teenage girl in need of some excitement in my life and the voice sounded male and kind of cool. Yeah I know. So I bent down, staying as far away as I could from the arm and looked inside the freezer. The bags of meat were replaced by a black mass that seemed to be struggling to fit inside the space, very much like a baby coming out the wrong way.

"Um…hello?" there was stirring inside the freezer and grunting as the person tried to move in the small space.

"You! Woman!" My eye twitched at being addressed so but there were more important things to take care of like whatever decided to crawl out of my fridge's asshole. "Get me out of this cold prison!!"

…………………

He'd have spoiled the meat. Don't judge me.

"Okay but only on one condition!!" I said trying to convey sternness in my voice even though it quavered more than a prepubescent boy's at this point. An annoyed grunt was all I got in response. "You, whatever you are, have to promise not to kill me when I pull you out!! Understand?!"

"…………sure." The humor laced in the person's voice wasn't the least bit reassuring but I just couldn't help myself.

I grabbed hold of the forearm as 'its' hand took firm grasp of my elbow, the sharp nails-claws is more like it- dug into the fat of my upper arm. Bracing myself against the wall, I pulled until I saw the beginnings of a……a hat and hair? Slowly, and appendage began to peek through which soon erupted violently from the freezer opening littering the floor with shards of ice

'A wing? Seriously? A fucking wing? What, do I have Big Bird in my fridge? Mommy said she bought chicken but this is a bit much…'

A shoulder soon followed and then another wing. The awkward positioning seemed to cause the appliance's inhabitant discomfort so I pulled even harder until I heard a resounding 'pop' and a grunt. "Did you break?" I yelled at the 'person' hat.

"Ha, it'll take more than that," he said as another arm shot out of the opening and clawed at the floor puling himself the rest of the way out. Stepped hurriedly away from the fridge as I watched the figure clamber out, all 6-something feet of him.

I could only blink rapidly as he turned to face with an orange popsicle stuck to his face. He fluttered his wings, shaking ice form them as he ripped the popsicle from his cheek leaving a red rectangle where it was. Looking at it contemplatively he threw it over his shoulder, discarding it as meaningless, all before he finally acknowledged his savior. People nowadays are so unappreciative.

"So where is this?" he asked as he had every right to, but understandably I was finding it very difficult to do much besides blink. I mean it's not every day you rescue Kuronue from your fridge; after trying to break his arm of course.

End Chapter 2.

A.N: wow. Really long. Ah well. Please review and tell me how I can make it better.


	3. Weekenders

Title: The Theory

**TEMPORARILY** on hiatus due to exams

And things were going so well.

Yeah well it seems hiatus was very short. Exams are still going on, but I'm going to bum it out and write instead. Let the good times roll.

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

I own nothing except for pringles, pop-tarts, highlighters and cue cards.

**Chapter 3 – WEEKENDERS **

I paced back and forth in my mother's room, phone clutched against my ear as I tried my best to ignore the random cursing and muttering coming from my kitchen, each utterance punctuated by a sharp crash or crunch.

'Come oooooon. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick it uuuuuuuuup!!' I could feel the blood in my head pulsing as I did a little jig to the rhythm of my thoughts. 'Chantal, pick up the phone, you no-good mushroom-headed dumb piece of-'

"Hello?"

"Hi, Auntie Hazel?" I asked, a little breathless as I stopped my pacing and hopping. "Me? Yeah, no I'm……peachy. Is Chantal awake? Yes I realize it's very late but this is _really_ important. Yeah...okay. Sure, thank you." I collapsed on the side of the bed as I waited for Chantal to come on the line. I stared tiredly at the ceiling thinking over the last 10 minutes.

---flashback sequence [huzzah] ----

_I stepped hurriedly away from the fridge as I watched the figure clamber out, all 6-something feet of him._

_I could only blink rapidly as he turned to face with an orange popsicle stuck to his face. He fluttered his wings, shaking ice form them as he ripped the popsicle from his cheek leaving a red rectangle where it was. Looking at it contemplatively he threw it over his shoulder, discarding it as meaningless, all before he finally acknowledged his savior. People nowadays are so unappreciative._

"_So where is this?" he asked. In response, I could only stare at the tall, dark figure of Kuronue, shocked and Rupauled as I struggled to get brain processes in gear. With a shrug, he seemed to dismiss me as brain damaged (which I very well might be) and began removing ice and frost from his clothes and hair._

"_That was the last one."_

"_What?" inquired the bat-demon, eyebrow raised in my direction as he checked his hair for frozen chicken blood._

"_That was the last popsicle." I said, pointing to the melting orange mass of real fruit extract and juice concentrate….or so said the box. 'Brilliant Adrienne, absolutely awesome. What bright spark of genius would prompt frozen fruit snacks to be the topic of conversation when a dead cartoon character comes out of the freezer? This is ridiculous. Maybe I took too much of that arthritis medicine. Yeah that must be it. I'm either hallucinating or I'm dead and in a dreamlike state/coma.'_

"_What's a popsicle?" The look of utter shock on my face might've alarmed him because he suddenly started waving his arms around defensively. "Ah no offense! Ah I understand now! The popsicle is an evil being that you wanted to have the pleasure of destroying yourself and I robbed you of the opportunity!! Yes, it was surely a parasite, that's why it stuck to me and took some of my face with it!! It must be feeding off my energy as we speak!! The bastard!!! Here, take my knife and __**destroy it.**__" To which he removed one of his blades forcing it into my hand. He looked so eager it was hard not to laugh._

"_Um…..it's not a….well a popsicle is a…" I could feel my shoulders shaking with the effort of repressing my laughter. He must've taken the shaking as fear or hesitation because he suddenly grabbed my shoulders and earnest blue eyes were 6 inches from my face._

"_This is probably your first time right?" (blink) "There is no need to frightened so come, let us face our enemy, now while he's defenseless!!" Turning me, he led me over to the popsicle which lay melting/defenseless in front of the dented freezer door. Kuronue jumped back and settled neatly on the edge of the sink, waving me towards the 'enemy'. So did I kill it?_

_You bet your sweet ass I did. For all the times it gave me a brain-freeze. And those sticks aren't exactly lacking in any amount of splinters. A resounding clap on back broke my stupor as I turned to meet Kuro's approval. "Good job! Now……where am I?" he asked taking back his knife, whipping out a cloth and cleaning it._

"_OH. Right that. Well……wait here."_

And with that we're where we are now, me collapsed on the bed, waiting for someone to spaz to. I could hear shuffling and snorting before 'the presence' actually descended upon the phone.

"WHAT?!"

"Wow Chantal, you're kinda snippy late at night aren't you?" I got a growl in response. "Yeah okay not funny, but I have a …problem of sorts."

"What kind of problem?" she asked yawning. "Hey did you do the homework for bio extras class?"

"Huh? Oh well two problems I guess. Anyways remember when I was being all paranoid that anime characters were out tog et me, and Hiei and the murderous intent and all that stuff from chapter 1?"

"uh-huh."

"Yeah well, something's happened?"

"Wha-yawn-at?"

"Kuronue came out of my fridge. Well freezer to be exact."

"Go on."

"Well I was watching anime and just fooling around on the internet, trying to avoid all the porn and everything and watching Steven Lynch on Comedy Central and I needed some ice cream and the fridge was banging and then this hand just shot out of the fridge and the screaming and I tried to break it but it just would not leave and…" and I could feel myself rambling and pulling at my hair in what was surely a sign of insanity's onset, but I couldn't help it especially as I heard muttered curses from the kitchen ensuring my insanity. I eventually got the whole story out and just waited. The other line was so quiet I could hear death, particularly the murderer of my mental health. And its name is Kuronue. "Hello?"

"Good night Adrienne."

A loud 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' resounded in my soul as I stared at the phone emitting it's busy signal. I hung up, mainly because the constant tone was getting on already frayed nerves and I was expecting mother's call. So I headed to the kitchen/dining room/washing area to face the nonsense that had forced itself on my life. It was there, pocketing a solid silver serving fork. (we actually have one but it is sooo tarnished it's like someone coloured it with black crayon). Before I could ask why he felt the need to pilfer family heirlooms (which is really a pointless question anyway) the kitchen phone rang shrill and loud, breaking the silence that had come over the house.

Moving towards the phone, I was roughly dragged back against what felt like a cement wall as metal flashed past my ear to lodge itself securely in the phone. The force of the impact caused the phone to fly from the cradle and crash against the floor, dragging the rest of the phone by the coiled cable where the whole ensemble rested against the tile, the ringing silenced in its blasphemous grave.

"Oh it was just the phone," said the appliance-dweller.

Ripping my self away from the wall, which I now knew to be Kuro's chest, I walked over to he phone and just stared in shock, looking from the dead appliance to him and gesturing like a madwoman. Before I started screaming, of course.

"'Oh it was just the phone'? Is that all you have to say for yourself!?! Are you a frigging idiot!?! _What_," I paused, taking a breath as my next words came out shaking with anger, "_in the blue hell is wrong with you_? You've only been here 17 fucking minutes and already you've murdered my popsicle-"

"Technically, you did that."

"SHUT UP!!" I screamed stepping towards him. "YES, **MURDERED** my popsicle. **STOLE** from me and now you've **DESTROYED** my phone!!!" I listed, punctuating each grievance with a stomp towards him until my 'threatening' finger was just under his chin. "What could _possibly_ prompt someone to throw A FUCKING KNIFE INTO A PHONE!?!?" I turned towards him looking up into his calm, somewhat insulted face, expecting an apology for his 'mishap'.

"I was startled."

"I am going to kill you."

And I would've as I suddenly found something in my hand and I'm usually very creative, but the phone rang. Yes, the phone on the floor and since I couldn't answer that one, I fumed back to my mother's room the demon walking strolling behind me."Hello?!"

"Munchi? Hi were you sleeping?"

'Great she called, I can go to sleep now. After I get a broom, some bug spray and take care of that son of a bitch' I thought glaring over my shoulder at the curious being standing behind me. "Hi mommy, no I'm fine I was just…doing homework."

"Who you talking to?" asked Kuro flopping down onto the bed. I shot him a look that said 'shut up or perish' to which I got a raised eyebrow. The bastard.

"so are you okay? How was the flight? Got all your bags?"

"Yeah everything's fine, relax. Let me tell you the number you can reach me at, so you can go to sleep." I heard the muted conversation of the hotel lobby on the other line and strange rustling behind me. Turning I saw the no-good son of a bitch Kuronue rooting through my chest of drawers.

"What the hell are you doing?!?!" I asked.

"I told you, I'm looking for the number; calm down."

"Tsk, mommy I wasn't talking to you."

"Then who were you talking to?" she asked, the suspicion heavy in her voice."Um, TV?" I said, turning on the TV and blasting the volume for good measure.

"Turn that down, it's hurting my ears," complained the squatter as he rooted through draw after draw. Looking at him I did the only thing I knew to do in that situation.

I fucking turned up the volume. I saw pointed ears twitch in response as he stood up a pair of purple underwear dangling from a finger. "Firstly," he began in all seriousness. "this is some really low class underwear." (what the fuck do you say to statement like that). "Secondly, you don't know me that well, so you don't know that I'll destroy you and the screen so I suggest that you **turn. It. Down. NOW.**"

So I turned it all the way and ended up clutching the remote to my chest as he landed on top of reaching for. "Get off you dumb asshole!"

"Turn it down then you insolent bitch." He really deserved the elbow to the face he got before I started pummeling his head with the hardest pillow (which happened to have a book in it) I could find. Both phone and remote ended up on floor opposite the scuffle. I could hear my mother calling from the phone. Bouncing over a bowed bat demon, I claimed phone. "Hello? Yeah sorry I had to pee and the phone dropped," I said looking over at Kuro who was now sitting up glaring at me. I chanced a glance over at where the remote lay on the floor and back at him. A slow smile spread over his face. "Mommy? Yeah hold on a second with that number." I'd barely gotten the phone down before he lunged towards the remote. I did however, much to my credit land on his back from were I then proceeded to pull at his ears at try to strangle him with the panties he'd salvaged from the drawer before I was thrown off, rolled off the bed and collided with the floor. I managed to rip the remote from his hands before my fall from grace. Or fall from Kuro as it were.

Sitting up on the other side of the bed I was met with the satisfied smile of Kuro as he held the phone up."Don't you dare."

"Turn down the volume or you're going to have some explaining to do."

I was stuck between the bed and a hard place and had to decide quickly. My mother might believe me, but she might come back early and find him here and I might get my first beating. So I turned down the volume and snatched the phone from his hand. "Mommy? You still there?"

"What was all that just now? Are you okay?"

"Yeah I just really got into what I was watching. So the number?" I asked a little breathlessly as I found pen and paper. As she rattled off the number, I heard a familiar sound resonating from the kitchen. Kuronue's ears perked at the sound and I walked in the general direction from where it was coming. I stood at the beginning of the kitchen area, looking at the fridge shake slightly from some internal force.

"Mommy? Yeah I have the number. I'll call you back." Hanging up I walked over to the fridge, listening to the light '_thump thump'_ coming from inside it.

"Are you going to open it?" asked Kuro, standing a ways off.

"Why are you so far away, scared?" Huffing, he walked over towards the door, yanking it open. The freezer exhaled a large cloud of frost before something fell from the opening. Looking down, I saw the miniature form of Koenma stand up and remove a crystal of ice from his pacifier.

At this point, I just want to cry.

End Chapter 3.

A/N: Please review.


	4. Morning, Roomie

Title: The Theory

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

I **FINALLY** have a break for exams and this chapter is long overdue.

I own nothing except for a demonic uterus and the impending sense that something horrible is about to happen; or to be clinical: gas.

**Chapter 4 – Morning, Roomie.**

_The freezer exhaled a large cloud of frost before something fell from the opening. Looking down, I saw the miniature form of Koenma stand up and remove a crystal of ice from his pacifier._

_At this point, I just want to cry._

And I did actually. Well just a few sobs brought on by exhaustion and period pain, but the emotion was still there. Sliding down to the floor, I looked up at child Koenma who now stood precariously on the edge of the sink, barely shoulder length to Kuronue as he stared up at the demon.

"Good evening," he said looking at the both of us with slight boredom. "I'll assume you know why I'm here."

'I dunno, maybe the 6 foot deceased bat demon in my kitchen?' I thought looking between the two of them wondering which voodoo priestess I pissed off in the lunch line to deserve this.

"I'll get straight to the point: your freezer," he begins, pointing his stubby, sausage finger at me dramatically. "Seems to be a dimensional link to the Spirit World and that man," he continues, turning the finger on Kuro, "has escaped from his ordeal in limbo."

"Limbo? Really?" I asked looking over the slightly disinterested phone-killer. "I would think he'd go straight to hell for all the looting and plundering and fornicating and other fun…bad stuff."

"Hey! I'm not that bad," Kuro said, looking up from picking under his nails…claws (?). "I just prefer certain kinds of entertainment and pastimes."

"Regardless," chibi god man continued, "it is pertinent that I take him and return to Spirit World." I could not be nodding my head any more vigorously. "However…"

'Fuuuuuck.'

"……it would seem the 'portal' only allows travel of certain wavelengths of energy in specific directions, so instead of keeping Kuronue in, it sent him out and won't let him back in."

"Mmmm. Reminds me of that virgin that one night in Guand-"

"ANYWAYS!! He has to stay here until further notice," he concluded looking down at me on the floor.

"Oh well that's just perfect then isn't it? Leave him here! Absolutely no problem whatsoever!!" I said gesturing wildly as a slightly manic smiled found itself on my face.

"Good well now that that's settled-"

"NO IT'S NOT FUCKING SETTLED!! ARE YOU ALL INSANE?!!" I proclaimed jumping to my feet. Well, jumping as best as you can with a cotton diaper on that people pass off as some kind of enjoyable, comfortable accessory whose adhesive doesn't slip and stick to places it just doesn't belong……but I digress. "**He**," I said, pointing emphatically at the bat, "cannot stay here. Do you know what him being here comprises for me?! Besides my sanity, how am I going to explain to my mother that some 500 centurion Marilyn Manson-looking motherfucker is eating her burnt grilled cheese and asking for lunch money?!"

"Well Spirit World would supply the necessary funds to-"

"I can't walk around without pants anymore!! Do you know how hot it gets in this country!?! The demons working colonic duty for Satan wouldn't even spend a whole year here and I need ventilation goddammit!!"

"Yes that's all very upsetting," Koenma said, obviously unsympathetic to my unclothed plight. "But you'll just have to deal with it somehow."

"Deal with it!? Bu- I….you can't……" Blinking I looked from him to a nostalgic Kuronue who was no doubt thinking about virgins and hard entrances. I felt the total exhaustion of the whole evening overcome me in one fell swoop and, with shoulders sagging and body worn I proclaimed "I'm going to bed." And with that I got off the floor, joints cracking because I'm so rickety and walked off towards my bedroom, deaf to whatever conversation was going on between the two hallucinations I left in the kitchen. Turning on the fan, I ditched the bra and collapsed into bed, the clock briefly flashing green as the hour came around and 2:00 AM scrolled along the screen. The cool temperature of the pillow and sheets lulled me into a false sense of security with my surroundings and I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

---------------------What by this time, is most likely daylight----

It was getting harder and harder to breathe. An ever-present pressure seemed to be increasing on my chest as I tried to take a breath. It wasn't quite murderous, just annoying, like slight asthma acting up. Finally I'd had enough of trying to wiggle away or breathe (because oxygen flowing to my brain is so boring right?) so I woke fully to look down at what was lying on me. Light shone gently through the blinds, barely illuminating the room. Blinking to clear the crust from my eyes, I focused on the pale bar thrown across my chest and the triangle pointing precariously close to my nose before recognizing the mass as a muscled arm and one annoying demon's ear. I glared down at the head of black hair resting on my shoulder and exhaled in annoyance and just plain exhaustion. The rush of breath probably irritated the ear, as I heard annoyed mumbling as the ear twitched in response and a leg was thrown over my stomach, further pinning me to the bed. Any kind of wriggling seemed to increase the pressure and, giving up for the moment, I glared at the ceiling contemplating escape.

'Hm. I wonder what I should have for breakfast. Cereal? I think there's Fruity Pebbles but I know if I open the box it might not close for the next three days. Maybe I could try cooking? No mommy needs a house to come back. I think there's some frozen pizza although that might be in Spirit World by now with that damned midget and his ogre harem.' Okay so maybe I wasn't seriously contemplating escape, but that last thought brought me back to reality. Well, that and the insistent knee probing between my legs.

'What the fuck is this?' I though, a high-pitched whine escaping my throat as I tried to maneuver the knee away from me. 'Can you rape the willing? Can there be subconscious rape?' All these thoughts and more ran through my head ('if you're pregnant with a bat demon baby, do you fly around by your stomach?') as I bit down on the pointed ear in front of me in a half-assed attempt to free myself. A raging howl and a knee to my groin along with a rush of fresh air in my lungs were my reward. Sitting up, I looked over at Kuronue sitting on the floor, nursing an already bruising ear.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he inquired, looking like a hurt puppy….or bat but cuter.

"Firstly," I said clearing my throat of sleep snot, "Good morning. Secondly, if anyone's going to be upset it's going to be me. What gives you the right to crawl into my bed and try to molest me?"

"Firstly: I do not _crawl_ to any woman." He said it with such contempt I couldn't help laughing as he stood, his ear a lovely, pulsating shade of burgundy. "And I wasn't molesting you, I was looking for warmth."

"And you've never heard of a blanket?"

"It was stuck beneath you're enormous ass and I didn't want to wake you."

Scratching my head I was confused which part of that statement I should focus on so I just ignored the ass comment. "Oh. Well I'm sorry, now I feel bad."

"Yeah, well you should," he said huffily as he towered over me. "But I suppose it's fine as you served you're purpose; you're quite warm.

"Thank y-"

"In fact, there was quite a bit of heat stored in the folds of your fat."

Apparently shock, hurt and disgust register on my face as appreciation because the bastard kept talking. "In Demon World, you'd have been a valuable commodity, until they killed and skinned you, making materials for insulation out of your pelt." I couldn't help myself. He kept talking about how useful my fat would be in all these scenarios. I vaguely registered something about highest bidder before I blacked out. When I regained some awareness of my surroundings, I was holding a tennis racket and Kuronue was sporting one of his blades along with some very nice bruises and one leaking flesh wound. "Look bitch," Kuronue said, his tone deadly as he brandished his knife like…well, like a weapon. "I usually have the utmost respect for women-"

I couldn't help the snort that escaped as I rolled from the bed, trying to stand in a sleep-deprived body.

"-respect women as they are often an abundance of amusement and entertainment after a long day of plundering. But _**you**_, are by far, the most disgusting, rude, unappreciative wench I have ever had the misfortune to encounter."

"'Unappreciative'? What girl would be appreciative of being told her fat folds serve as a good source of heat? For someone who _supposedly_ drives most of the Makai's female population into a hormonal-driven fuck frenzy when you appear-"

"Good times," he interrupted in an appreciative tone.

"-how in the hell do you not know that a girl doesn't need to be told or reminded about _any_ kinds of folds she has on her body, no matter how useful they might be to somebody?"

"Well I thought I was paying you a compliment. When was the last time a fat, bitter, sweaty virgin like yourself been complimented on your body?" That hurt. But not for long.

"Well at least I, unlike you, will still have my genitals by the time I die as they won't have rotted off from he multitude of congenital diseases I've gotten! I'm sure whatever poor excuse for a cock you have now I just a festering toilet of disease. Come now Kuro, tell me: which cesspool let you in her?"

"HEY! Arlene is a very nice young lady! And the only reason you'd still have that cobweb infested opening you pass off as a sex organ is because even the most radioactive being wouldn't come near it!" by this time he looked very close to stabbing me in the eye as I restrained myself from raping his nose with the racket.

"HA! Well you'd know all about radioactive wouldn't you?!"

"Ignorant whelp!!"

"Cheap disgusting fuckwad!!"

"Overweight, unwanted, greasy sweaty, disgusting beast of a woman!"

"Really? Is me being overweight the only thing you've got against me?!"

"Trust me, there are many things I already despise you for, but your fat ass is the only thing that would be of global concern!"

Before I could form the words to tell him just what kind of unintelligent, uncouth, incorrigible, slutty man-whore the no-good son of a bitch was, a low grumble from deep within the pits of my stomach made itself heard as the sound erupted from my open mouth. The self-satisfied smirk on the bat demon's face was short lived as the beast within his own gut mirrored the sound, questioningly even. Silence passed in the room for a few seconds like a silent and scentless fart, before it was broken.

"You hungry?" I asked, using the racket to scratch my shin.

"Yeah I saw some meat in the freezer thing on my way out. Is it alright if I prepare a meal…mm for the both of us?" he asked, looking down at me, his face and tone tight as he choked on the words.

"You're actually asking permission?" You can understand my utter disbelief after the last few paragraphs.

"I was trying to be polite."

'Big stretch huh?' "Yeah, sure cook whatever you want just don't burn down the house; I don't want any meat right now but maybe later." I moved towards the door as he turned to exit and thus began a mini-smackdown.

'In the left corner or the door, Adrienne Barton 5 feet 8 inches weighing it at a weight that shall not be stated competes against Kuronue standing tall at 6 feet 4 inches, somewhere under 200 pounds; and let the match begin!!'

So of course I lost. I dunno, maybe it was the whole matchup of human teenage girl wracked with cramps versus bad-ass bat demon thief. It was rigged I tell you. Picking myself (along with my bruised pride and backside) off the floor, I made my way to the kitchen to indulge in a salad bowl's worth of Fruity Pebbles; it's been a stressful morning. Luckily the kitchen was still there and Kuro was silently going about cooking the meat. Somehow. I felt it best not ask what with the tense dynamic in the house at the moment. No further words were exchanged as I left the kitchen to bum out in my mother's room because it didn't smell of sweat, insults and hatred and it's the only bedroom with a working a.c. unit. Mixed sounds of Vh1'S _Jump Start_, sizzling meat and popping cereal filled my ears as I contemplated just how bad this whole situation really is.

'Granted there's a demon in my kitchen cooking steak, but at least he' not like an _Exorcist_ demon or something and he can cook. But I doubt culinary skills will help once my mother comes home. But super-awesome character from Yu Yu Hakusho appeared through a portal and is 'living' with me which is just about every fangirl's dream. Granted the method of arrival is a bit unconventional and the character's a fucking asshole but……' I stared into the bowl of soggy, brightly colored flecks of….whatever the cereal is made out of and just sighed.

'God,' I began. 'I know we don't speak to often, but if you could help me out of this situation or give me some way to manage it, I would **really** appreciate the help; I can't make promises about the whole porn thing but I could tone down the cursing for a little while. Maybe not be so honest with people. I just need some help….please.'

I sent my prayers heavenwards, sending a pleading look towards the ceiling for good effect. The room filled with light as the sun rose fully and somewhere in the schematics of the house my alarm went off. Already awake, I inhaled the rest of the meal and clambered to the bathroom in hopes of scrubbing the frustration and annoyance from my skin. 'So much for a peaceful weekend alone.'

End Chapter 4.

_________________________

Wow. 7 pages of bitching. Didn't think it possible.

Please review, thank you.


	5. Study Abroad

Title: The Theory

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

Thanks so much for the reviews; they really made my week which has been really shitty what with the studying and my mother telling me to lose weight or die or something like that. This chapter might be long-ish; 3 chapters and barely at the end of the weekend so time to get this bitch in gear! Whoo!! Progress….

I own nothing except for ripe bananas, colon cleansing tablets and a 4GB jump drive... you figure out how they go together cuz I'm drawing a blank.

**Chapter 5- Study Abroad**

'Just half an hour left. Come on Adri (yes I'm speaking to myself), don't punk out now. Pay attention and write the notes the ballistic, cross-eyed Indian woman, Mrs. Malladi is projectile teaching at you.' Said Indian woman would be my extra lessons teacher. I'm really very fond of her as she's been tutoring me since 9th grade; I was the very first private student she had. Yeah she's a little cross-eyed and/or crazy and everyone's convinced her bindi holds the secrets to her ESP but by this time she's basically family. And yet, with all the familial affection with which I regard this woman, I can't wait to get the fuck out of her house. Not just because of the whole 'learning' thing (she's a very good teacher mind you) but because my hand is cramping up; almost three years and I haven't fully gotten used to her Speed Racer pace of dictating. In any case, it's hard to maintain focus with tendons committing mass suicide and what happened this morning.

----yet another flashback!! Yay for history!!!-----

_Towel draped around still dripping body, I rushed to get the phone before Kuro could destroy it in a moment of 'fright'._

"_Hello? Auntie Nelly? Five minutes? Yeah okay. Yeah, no worries, I'll be ready. Alright thanks, bye." Sighing I put down the phone and consulted the wall clock. 'Well Shari and Auntie Nelly are never on time; she said five minutes so I probably have 45 minutes. Great, just enough time to be able to leave the house and not be charged for indecent exposure. Is there a draft in here?'_

"_Why are you naked?"_

_I turned around to see the voice's source – which was stupid because who, besides a Desperate Housewife really wants to greet somebody half naked? – to be greeted by the 'Jr.'-stamped countenance of adult Koenma himself. "Is this the region normal mode of dress? I thought togas went out of style when Dad killed all the Greeks."_

"_Um," I managed to get out, because really. What can you say to something like that? "Wait here." And with that, I quickly grabbed clothes and hid in the steamy bathroom, dressing my self in shame. 'What did I do to deserve this?' I thought for what seemed like the thousandth time that weekend. 'Sure some people in the country practice obeah, but I'm not friends with any of them!' I ran my toothbrush roughly across the surface of my hair before realizing I was about to put toothpaste on my brush. Switching the utensil, I hurriedly performed the necessary hygienic acts. Relax; I took the hair out of the toothbrush. 'Maybe that's the reason! Maybe voodoo priestesses at school want to be my friend and I've snubbed them on countless occasions!' A pause in my brushing as I contemplated the likelihood of this scenario. 'Oh who the fuck am I fooling? Nobody likes me,' I thought, furiously brushing my teeth ignoring the light red droplets splattering the sink from my efforts. 'Well my friends do but…eh.' Rinsing, I faced myself in the mirror, wiped some blood from the corner of my mouth, buckled my belt, pulled the underwear out of my ass and went out the door. _

"_By the way Koenma's coming by," said the bat demon, ripping a dripping piece of meat from a bamboo skewer as he sat beside the bored Prince of Reikai on the bed. "Oh would you look at that? He's already here." _

"_Really? I failed to notice." _

"_You know, snarling really does nothing for your skin," Kuro said, looking very pleased. Or full. I'm not too sure._

_Muttering about togas and Grecian tragedies, flipped closed the yellowed issue of Vogue and tuned his attention to the both of us. "Well the two of you seem to have gotten along quite well over the past few hours." Clearing his throat, the prince stood and regarded the both of us quite seriously; somehow I'd ended up sitting on the bed beside the asshole. I mean the bitch-boy. I mean in the inconsiderable bastard……you know who I mean dammit. "As was discussed last night, bat demon and thief Kuronue, convicted to 5,000 years of punishment in limbo, has escaped into the Human World and is now fully regenerated into a living being. However, as a result of unforeseen circumstances he can not return to the Spirit World-"_

"_Can't you just kill him?" I suggested. I'm not exactly a Pacifist._

"_What?" both demon and prince said in unison, the voice beside shrill in alarm as if someone had grabbed his balls and turned it sharply to the right. Yes I know it's quite specific._

"_Just kill him," I repeated shrugging. "He was dead then, he's alive now, just kill him, put him in some Tupperware and stick him in the freezer." Silence descended on the room as Koenma thoughtfully suckled on his binky as he considered this. Kuronue was looking between the two of us so quickly, I could hear the vertebrae in his neck popping before I felt him roughly grab me by my forearms and shake._

"_Are you crazy?!" he politely asked as my head slowed to 15 MPH. you know that snapping sound some people can make when they wave their hands vigorously? Same concept and sound, different body part. More important body part because who can really live without a neck, but hey who's complaining? Now he's actually considering killing me! Do you hate me that much?!"_

"_Why is everything still moving? My head's stopped but my eyes keep going round and round and round and oh look! A unicorn!!" I felt the hands clutching me let go and fell to the bed, trying to focus on what the 5 images of Koenma were saying._

"_While that idea Is much simpler, it won't go through." A sigh of relief left the violent airborne rodent sitting beside me.\ and I couldn't help feel a little peeved._

"_Well, why the hell not?"_

"_Because I've already filled out the paperwork for this plan and killing him greatly decreases the length of this story and prevents any sort of character development," Koenma explained with an enthusiastically nodding Kuronue on the floor from where I kicked him off the bed. These things go quickly, keep up._

"_Oh."_

"_Yes, so instead, Spirit World agents shall be sent later this evening through the portal in order to 'keep an eye on him until such time when he and his soul can be safely extracted from this world so as to continue his punishment.' Or so says the scroll. All other agents are currently occupied and the most recent Spirit Detective is in recovery, so some 'retired agents' will have to suffice," Koenma concluded as his head disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Outside, there was the distant 'beep' of a car horn. Vaulting over the yawning Kuronue, I yanked up my bag, going on faith that it had the books I needed. Putting on what might've been the same pair of shoes, I made a grab for my keys and hauled ass to the door, stopping only to register Kuro's raucous laughter as Koenma's child form erupted from the neck of his teenage body. "I hate when my face leaks!!"_

-----------------------

And here we are now: my hand gently whispering "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!?!? STOP WRITING!! AHHHHHHHH!!" while something about tissue systems is being relayed verbally and drawn on the whiteboard. 'Phloem tissues? Or was it tissue cultures? Fuck it, who really cares? Who the hell is going to coming through my freezer? I still haven't put the shelves back and there's been really strange smells coming from there since that night. 'Retired agents'? those four Spirit Detectives?' I couldn't help the sigh that escaped as I cam to this realization. 'Things will spontaneously combust, but mother's garden will thrive. Can't really think of any positives for Yusuke and Kuwabara but an assload of negatives come to mind.' Groaning, I rested my head against the cement wall as my left hand strayed to steal one of Chantal's cookies. 'I'm sure she'll understand. Well she'll have to since it's already fermenting under my tongue.' The glorious sound of the dry-erase marker's cap clicking into place snapped me from my stupor as chairs were pushed back and people filed through the door.

"Wait a minute Adri, I need to speak with you." And in one fell swoop of thick Indian accent, my hopes of 'getting the fuck out of there' were dashed as Ms. Malladi clapped a hand on my shoulder as one of her eyes focused thoughtfully on mine. "Are you okay? Have you been sleeping at night?" ESP I tell you.

"I'm just a little tired, I guess. I haven't been sleeping that well," I responded looking down at her bindi.

"Why are you having problems? Is there something stressing you out? You are a young girl, you must be relaxed, especially at this time with mock exams next year. You are a very nice girl, and pretty too. You just lose some weight, so you are not so unhealthy. Have you been eating well? What have you been eating?" she paused in her barrage for me to stammer out an answer.

"I-I-I-I don't kno-"

"Adri do not tell me you do not know man. How you must not know what you are eating man? You tell your mother to call me, I need to have a talk with her." She clapped me on the shoulder a few times as she walked me around to the front of her house where **thankfully** Auntie Nelly sat waiting outside the gate. She sent me on my way with a slight shove and "Remember to exercise!"

(A/N: What's great about this is, I've actually had this conversation countless times with her)

The ride home was uneventful consisting of politely answering questions and completely, wholeheartedly and altogether ignoring Shari's irritating presence; we're not exactly friends because well…..she's a bitch and I'd step in her face if I'm around her any longer. I could pull it off too because she's just that short.

Going through the door (twice because I left the key in the knob), I slid to the floor, peacefully resting against the door beside the steel grill and the lizard carcass far away enough that I didn't turn into a total girl and start screaming. This peace was short-lived as there was soon a foot rubbing my stomach, and me by extension in full wakefulness. I looked down at surprisingly neat toenails and up at blue eyes and a raised eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

Well. Imagine that. It's capable of concern. And while sarcasm tends to ooze from me like Play-Doh or laxative-induced defecation (that was nasty I'm sorry, but the backspace button is so far away), I am unable to produce little more than nonsense after 3 hours of Ms. Malladi, so the only logical response was "NNghahtiomach!?" which in ancient languages may be translated to "Why the fuck is your foot on my stomach!?" I couldn't help it as my head listed lifelessly to the side, eventually colliding to the floor.

"You don't look so good. Are you feeling alright?" I could only look up at shaded blue eyes – is he **always** wearing that hat? – and grunt:

"Does Demon World have toenail clippers?"

The blank stare I got as I was being dragged off by ankle to some room proved me right and demons shape their toenails on bark. I was dragged, lifted and thrown onto my mother's bed where I lay, half-conscious with my nose pressed into my face which is good because who really needs to breathe when they're trying to pass out from exhaustion? It just gets in the way. Ii heard something that vaguely reminded me of someone speaking. Lifting my head, I bleakly stared at the voice emanating from Kuro's crotch as my head can't move any further to acknowledge the fact he has a face. "Try and get some rest so that you're mentally prepared for when people come tearing through your freezer door." Sound advice, which was immediately followed as I drifted off into the land of chewy chocolate chip cookies, yaoi and soft pillows.

-------------------

The room was dark save for the little illumination provided by the streetlamp, only my hand remained on the bed and there was a crick in my neck. These were the sensations my body experienced as I awoke, choking on the lint in the area rug. Grunting, I lifted myself from the floor and went to the bathroom, purposely ignoring my reflection because I am well aware of how I look when I wake up and I'm in enough pain as it is. Doing all the necessary hygienic acts (because you really don't need the details) I stopped as the silence within the house settled around me.

'Well this is probably bad,' I thought, thoughtfully biting my tongue. 'The house hasn't been this quiet since…ever. It could be one of two things: (1) my mother's house, me included, has been transported to an alternate universe where it's so painfully quiet I can hear the food in my stomach digesting. Oh wait, that's gas and I'm hungry. (2) Kuronue's dead and gone. That one's simple, to the point, although I really wanted to try on the hat.' Shrugging, I made my way to the kitchen where I saw Kuro leaning against the stove/oven in front of the fridge. I couldn't help stopping and staring for, in the short time I had known him, I'd never seen such a serious expression on his face. Feet flat on the floor, hi knees were drawn up near to his chest. His chin rested on folded hands supported by his elbows resting on his knees. He was glowering at the appliance so intensely his eyes were actually glowing and lengthening tendrils of what I can only assume to be demon energy were emanating from his body. I was now acutely aware of the fact that:

'This sumbitch might eat me.'

"You can stop shaking, I'm not going to eat you," he said, breaking the heavy silence as glowing orbs slid in my direction.

"I didn't think tha-"

"I don't need that much trans fat in my system."

I don't think I'll ever know which part of the statement I should focus one: the pare where he calls me fat or the part where he implies he'd eat me if my calorie count was lower. That train of thought derailed quickly as he pat the floor beside him and I, being the weak-willed individual I often am, went over and plopped my ass down beside him. The silence returned to permeate the household for what felt like over 45 seconds; so I'm not always patient. Sue me.

(A/N: seriously though, don't sue me. This fic and my bum lifestyle and some family/friends are about all I have and I am too soft and too cute to go to jail)

"Soooo," I whispered in the silent kitchen, because when you're sitting next to an armed, pissed and seemingly homicidal mythical being, you don't make sudden noises. "Are we going to do anything else or is this all we've got planned for the evening?"

"**They're late."**

"Who's late?"

"**Them." **I took a few moments to process what was being said to me before I realized I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about

"Who is them?" I asked in confusion, swatting an energy tendril away from my boob. The confusion seemed to be mutual as Kuro turned and looked at me like I was crazy and/or retarded.

"**What do you mean 'who is them'? Them!! Them the agents who are supposed to come here and…and junk. And they're late!!" **he concluded in a huff, as he turned back to stare down the fridge door.

"Oh. So why are you upset about that? You want people to come and be watching you every second of every day?"

"**Just one in particular,"** he began, his voice reaching new levels of intensity making the forestry of hairs on my leg (I need to shave okay, so back off) stand at attention. **"After you'd left Koenma, said that Kurama was part of this 'Spirit Detective' team."** He said the words Spirit Detective with such disdain you'd have thought he was talking about me.

---Flashback sequence-----

"_Your old friend and partner, Youko Kurama is one of the Spirit Detectives coming," Koenma said as he disappeared through a portal in my bathroom door, leaving Kuronue to look blinkingly at the place he once stood._

----End Flashback----

"**I refuse to believe that someone such as himself would debase himself and become a Spirit Detective, but all the same I need to make sure, so when they arrive I'll be here. Do you understand now?"**

Nodding, I turned to have my own stare down with the cabinets beside the fridge before something irksome made its way into my mind. "Why are you speaking in bold?"

"**What?"** he asked, his face showing his mental disorientation.

"You're speaking in a bold typeface. Why is that even necessary?"

"**It's in order to express the emotion in my voice right now," **he explained quite matter-of-factly.

"But," I began, my eyebrows emoting the discombobulated state of my mind, "You could easily have done that a number of other ways. Why do you need to resort to using bold every time you speak?"

"**Well perhaps it just shows your lack of talent and manipulation as a writer,"** he said snippily.

"Firstly," I said, rightfully insulted. "Fuck you. Secondly, regardless of any lack of talent or whatever, turn it off, it's starting to get redundant since we aren't even talking about it anymore."

"**Fine, miserable bitch,"** he muttered under his breath as he went about ridding the story of the exorbitant amount of bold type (A/N: Internet thesauruses rule). **"Alright, how do I do this again? Ctrl + **B. Ah there it is. Are you happy now?"

"Yup, just about came in my pants," I said, as we went back to staring at the food-storing contraption in expectation. A slightly awkward silence descended on the kitchen and, it is most likely by this time, that you the reader have come to realize that this story is an exercise in idiocy. High-five.

"Hey, a question about this story you've got us in…"Kuronue said, turning to me once more. "This isn't one of those Mary-Sue/Girl next door type fantasy things where the girl get the unbelievably sexy guy is it?"

"Nope. Just strictly humourous nonsense under the guise of a plotline."

"Okay, so you and I aren't going to get together or anything?"

I couldn't help the snort of laughter or the snot that came with it. "Of course not. I'm not your type. However, if I do this right, at the end of it, we will have come to an understanding of one another and may call each other 'friend'."

"Okay good," he said the relief evident in his voice until faced with my tight-lipped expression and raised eyebrow. Do not underestimate the power of a raised eyebrow. "Don't get me wrong," he said hurriedly. "You're not…bad-looking-"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Yes ma'am."

This part of the story –sitting in silence and not doing much- is starting to drag on a bit so I'm making an executive decision to start some shit now.

"You hungry?" Kuro asked, in an attempt to make peace. "There's still some of that steak left if you - " was all he managed to get out before the door of the oven he was leaning on slammed open, forcing his face between his legs, his nose crushed to the floor. Yes people, it looked like he was trying to give himself a blowjob. Ignoring the muffled screams of "Motherfucker, get off of me!!", I looked into the oven as a leg encased in black fabric emerged from the darkness of the oven. A knee and what could possibly be the hem of a skirt came into view and, with some grunts of exertion, muffled curses and utterly dumbfounded staring on my part, the rest of the 4 feet 10 inches of Hiei emerged from my fucking oven. Standing on the door, he looked around surveying the new environment before his search came to rest on the sweating and wide-eyed teenage girl sitting on the floor, failing to notice the two legs protruding from under his 'podium'.

"You. Woman," he said, politely addressing me as any young man should to any young lady. He really does have a way with women. "Who are you and where is this?"

"Um." Well what would you say? It took a few moments and one good slap before I could answer again. "Well…you're in my kitchen in my house. I live here, although when you ask something like 'who are you that's really more of a philosophical question and I don't think I'm equipped to answer -" A sudden explosion from the sink drain drew my attention, Hiei's caution and Kuronue's freedom as Hiei, jumped from the oven door into a defensive stance allowing Kuro to stand to the acoustics of many popping joints. All of us turned in apprehension to face the sink. The sink's metal creaked and bent as forces unforeseen influenced the structure of the sink. In a single instant, the sink's metal plug shot out and crashed into the glass of the wall cabinets as an unidentified brown lump poked out of the swirling, crackling mass that was once my drain.

Get your minds out of the gutter.

In what sounded like a grunt of frustration – because who really knows when it comes to this particular demon- Hiei moved forward, grabbed and yanked the protruding lump, further drawing a kimono-clad and oar-wielding Botan from my sink, the metal exploding out around her as she emerged covered in what is most likely onion skins and limp ramen noodles.

From there things moved very quickly. Drowning Botan's cries of "Ewww!!" as she plucked off the matter in her hair, loud thumps and yells were heard from inside the freezer in the unmistakable voice of the three worlds' resident bad-ass Yusuke Urameshi. "Oi! Botan, if you're out there, now would be a really good time to help out because I can feel my sperm freezing their asses off!"

"Ey, Urameshi, what the hell is going on?" came the voice of Kuwabara from what I can only guess would be my drying machine.

"Fuck if I know but I'm blasting my way out of here!" it would have been at this time that most person would be politely asking the fictional character humping their frozen pizza to please not blow a giant hole in the fridge, because that would suck. Immensely. But as I am the kind of person that just sits and watches, I watched as my freezer door obtained a sparkly new asshole and then further imploded as it forcefully detached from its hinges. Might I add that there is a wall barely 3 feet away, so as the door left the appliance and the familiar gelled hair appeared from the opening, the door bounced off the wall, colliding with the greasy head. Luckily for the door, Yusuke has a tough head; well maybe not so much the door. Maybe not so much anybody. Who really wins in a situation like this?

"Bingo," Botan said quietly to the soundtrack of Kuwabara's raucously laughing head sticking out of the dryer opening. "So just about everybody's here…"

"If by everybody you're including the idiotic detective and the bumbling boor then yes, but you're forgetting Kurama," Hiei said as the aforementioned detective removed himself from the portal he fell back into and Kuwabara struggled with the dryer; he has really broad shoulders. At the mention of his old boyfriend's name, Kuronue's brain seemed to function once again as he was suddenly very close to Hiei's face.

"Kurama? You said Kurama didn't you?! Well where is he?!" Kuro demanded receiving only a blank stare from the smaller demon.

"Well he should be here by now," Botan said, looking around the kitchen/wash area worriedly. "Perhaps he got lost in the portal." At the sound of Botan's voice, Kuro's attention quickly shifted. Looking Botan up and down, he sauntered over and draped an arm over her shoulders, much to her embarrassment if her flushed cheeks were any indication.

(A/N: before I continue, you should know how hard it is for me to write this next piece of dialogue because I couldn't stop twitching with laughter.)

"You," he began, clasping her hand in his. "Are my very reason for living (even though he was dead). You are the very breath that I take and might I say, I've never felt the need to respect one woman so much."

It is at this point that everyone in the room, besides the pair, had the same exact thought: 'What…in the fuck?'

"R-really?" Botan managed to stammer, her face barely a shade away from ketchup.

Nodding emphatically, he continued, "In fact, I can honestly say, that the only time I'd kick you of bed would be to fuck your brains out on the floor." To which Botan justifiably swung her oar into Kuro's head and sent him colliding into the neighboring wall. "You pervert!"

"Okay you're right, that was a bit much," Kuro said from where he sat bleeding on the floor. "But allow me to make it up to you: I mean I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock," he said winking before Botan assault him with the oar.

'_This_ is the demon we're supposed to watching? He's only a danger to himself?' Yusuke thought as we watched the proceedings before turning to drag Kuwabara out of the dryer.

'Dumbass' was the most predominant thought in Hiei's mind, and perhaps some disappointment; partner and notorious in his own right, Kuronue was just proving himself to be a lecherous jackass.

"You'll never change will you Kuro?" came the voice of the last team member. And suddenly, the room was filled with tens of thousands of bubbles and the unmistakable scent of roses drawing everyone's attention, particularly the bat-demon who removed himself from Botan's violent administrations to locate the source o the voice. More and more bubbles filled the room until Yusuke had the presence of mind to open the washing machine as a bubble engulfed Kurama, bright red hair and all gracefully removed himself from the appliance and stood before Kuronue. Kurama looked nothing but…happy. Kuro on the other hand-

"Who the fuck is this guy?" he said turning to look at Botan obviously dissatisfied, not noticing the thinly veiled shock and hurt on Kurama's face.

"Kuro," he began, moving closer. "It's me. Kurama."

"Well Kurama was pretty yes, but he wasn't a little bitch boy like you."

The aura in the room changed considerably then as the dying daffodil conveniently on the counter regained new life as thorn-bearing vines spread from the stem and surrounded Kuro's lower body; flecks of gold stained his irises as streaks of white permeated the tomato concentrate hair colour. **"I thought I told you never to call me that."**

'Not this bold typeface shit again,' I thought, the only brain process I'd had since the destruction of my kitchen began. Somewhat intimidated, Kuro tried to play it cool.

"Well anybody with a basic understanding of plants can do that with a little spirit energy," he said, his voice cracking as one thorn-bearing tendril snaked it's way up his thigh. "You're going to have to do more than that to prove your Youko."

"You caught a venerable disease from a 10 year old that made your penis shrink to the width of a needle and begged me crying to fix it."

"She _looked 30!!_" he said, clearly insulted. And that doesn't prove anything; that could have happened to anybody."

"You have a scar under your left ass cheek from when that hooker and her clan tried to sacrifice you in a ritual to their High One."

"Oh Youko it is you," Kuronue said, positively weeping in happiness as he jumped from the heap of vines and into Kurama's arms like a bride being carried over the threshold. Throwing his arms around his neck, he proceeded to shower Kurama with loud smacks on both cheeks, rubbing both their faces against each other. "I knew it was you all along!!"

"Uh-huh."

"I'm so glad you're here!!" he said tearfully into the fox's neck. "I've been floating around in limbo this whole time, only hearing snippets about you and then I'd heard you'd died and something about this pregnant woman and now you're with these humans and it's true but I know the real you and I'm here now so it's all better. Come," he said, lifting his head and setting eyes wet with emotion on emerald ones. "Let us destroy these humans here and continue on in this country for a few nights of debauchery and plundering the moist corridors of this territories female specimen."

"Including the human girl who's taken care of you until this point?"

"Hm? Oh that one?" Kuro said looking over at me with such contempt my fingernails started feeling self-conscious. "Eh, just leave her here," he said before Kurama dropped him on the tile with a resounding 'thud'. He walked over and squat down in front of me.

"Miss? May I ask why you're crying?" he asked as he had every right to since I'd been crying nonstop once Yusuke made his entrance. Well what the fuck would you be doing? Anime characters destroying my house, I'm torn between happiness and utter desolation for soul because my mother has to come home and we have sharp knives in the house. So how do I respond to that question without bringing more attention to myself that the bawling already did? How do I answer without mentioning this is just something I, along with possibly millions of other people worldwide have been daydreaming about in the back of physics class and how much I love all of these people, except for Kuro? I said the closest thing I could, with my face wet and hiccupping:

"I'm just so happy."

However attention was quickly diverted from me as Yusuke, in an effort to get Kuwabara out of the dryer, accidentally turned the switch sending power to the unit turning the dryer on. Much screaming ensued as all watched as Kuwabara went around and around and around, his head and neck bouncing off the lint trap.

I couldn't help thinking to myself as I looked to the heavens, 'What did I do to you?'

**------------------THE NEXT DAY/SUNDAY MORNING---**

Not much else happened after that; some talking, Koenma made an appearance and formal introductions and explanations were given including what the fuck was going to be done about the damage to my home and my mental state. The house they'd fix. My mentality………well basically, I'm on my own. So here I am in the house alone as Kuro had to go off and do something, sitting on my mother's bed, watching the History Channel upside down. Well, alone save for the 50-odd ogres running around in my kitchen fixing holes and damages of all sorts. They'd been working through the day and I'd hardly noticed except for one incident; you ever walk in one somebody –anybody, family member, stranger, whatever- taking a power dump? I mean like legs spread apart, arms braced, teeth clenched and groaning as sweat streams down their face and they're groaning like a pregnant woman in labor? Fucking horrible right? Especially if it smells, right? Well picture all of that except with a blue horned loincloth-wearing ogre turning purple from the effort? Sigh.

So they replaced the toilet before they left.

And eventually evening came and my mother retuned home to a clean and fully functional home. The reunion was just getting underway when there was a knock. Opening the door, I was faced with the most horrific site in the world: Kuronue and adult Koenma in a business suit. Alright, it's not that bad; in fact if neither of them was responsible for several migraines I'd had this weekend I'd freely admit how downright attractive the pair were. Well, kinda; Koenma still had his binky.

"Hello, good evening, is Ms. Escoffery home?" Koenma said smoothly around his pacifier.

"I-bu…you…how…NO." I said looking from Koenma to a smirking Kuronue.

"Munchi, who's at the door?!" called my mother.

"Nobody!! Just dead people!!" I managed to say before she appeared behind me and they stepped inside. And somehow, someway, in the deep, wide universe, all four of us ended up at the dining room table. Weeeeeeell fuck.

"Ma'am as you were made aware some time ago, you will be hosting one of several students transferring from Japan to take part in a cultural immersion and foreign education program," Koenma began. "However, due to unforeseen circumstance, the female candidates dropped out of the program and had to be immediately replaced or else the school's risked losing the funding. And so, your new host student is him, Kuronue," Koenma concluded, gesturing to Kuro who smiled charmingly.

'Ha. These guys obviously don't know my mother,' I thought, smiling to myself. 'She's not going to be swayed by some bullshit story and a cheap smile. They're going to have to try harder than - '

"I'd be happy to take him in."

'What in the sideways doggy-fuck position is going on?' I looked over at my mother and almost slid sideways out of my chair. She was…giggling, looking between the two of them as if the libido that they took out along with her womb had suddenly regenerated. And it's just disgusting. I looked over at Kuro, a wide victorious smile spread over his features. I sat in utter shock, staring at the condensation on my glass as plans were made for Kuro to move in right then, effectively commandeering my brother's room and raping me of my freedom as I'd be back in my mother's room. My mother's giggling, Kuro's charming bullshit and Koenma's polite banter – I could feel the tumor growing. Eventually my mother went off to do something I don't want to let my imagination dwell on and I was left at the table with the two of them. In an act of submission to their superior might of fucking my life up, I let my fall to the table with a solid thunk.

"What about the rest of them?" I asked, speaking to make sure I remembered how.

"The other team members are currently living with some of your friends. It's easier to contain the sphere of knowledge of another world, especially a fictional world, to one group of people, so specific member of your lunch group have now become host families," Koenma explained when I'd grunted in confusion.

"You said they're on some study abroad program right?" I asked looking at him from one eye.

"Yes, that's right. They're going to start attending your school as of tomorrow. This is, of course a cover they must uphold while portals are developed that can return them to our realm. Luckily for me, I can decrease my power low enough that I don't have to stay here and sweat in this hellhole!" he said laughing loudly, the pacifier floating in mid-air.

"Right. Well, that's all very ingenious and junk but I go to an all-girls school," I said, ignoring Kuro's vaguely whispered "aaaaaaaaawesoooooome".

"Well, after some persuasion, you're school is becoming integrated, so there'll be other male students there besides the 'exchange students'."

I was dumbfounded, for what felt like the 5th time this chapter. I sat there with the heat pressing in around me thinking, hoping that it won't get any worse. (A/N: Even though it probably will) I stayed that way, until my mother returned and small details were ironed out. I remained there with my forehead on the table long after Kuro had moved in and eaten dinner. I stayed there, with the sweat from my forehead pooling on the table and my mother sliding a coaster under my face so I didn't leave a watermark, until I started to smell myself and that's never a good sign. So admitting defeat for now, I showered and went about preparing for school tomorrow. I stood in front of my open bag, consulting my timetable for books I'd carry but wouldn't use, when Kuronue came into the room wearing his new uniform.

"So what do you think?" he asked standing in front of me. The uniform was simple because I'm lazy and not too imaginative right now: khaki pants, white shirt, blue tie and a school badge.

"You look…huh," I said.

"'Huh'? That's the closest you can get to a compliment?" he said, sitting down on the bed and looking up at me.

"You look fine," I said, determined not to look at me. We've all seen pictures people so you know damn well he's the epitome of sexy, regardless of clothes.

"You're damn right I look fine!! And in lieu of you complimenting me I suggest a truce."

"Wouldn't the consist of you complimenting me first?" I asked, looking at him as I searched under the bed for a calculator.

"Tch, details," he said, waving my comment away like a small insect as he stretched out across the bed, peering down into the top of my head. "We're housemates now and there's no sense in always fighting especially since I'm going to win, so we might as well try to get along with each other."

I looked up at clear blue eyes and an eager and happy expression. "That……kind of makes sense," I conceded, scratching the side of my face with the stapler I'd just found.

"Of course it does, it was my idea after all!! So let's shake on it! Friends!" he said, extending his right hand until I could smell chicken from dinner on his fingers. You have no idea how close I was to stapling his hand but that would just cause more problems. In any case I'd rather have a batshit crazy bat-demon thief on my side than against. So I shook his hand and that was that. "Good! Now I have to go get my beauty rest. Night porker," he said, bouncing off the bed and patting my head.

'So close.'

End Chapter 5.

______________________________________

18 pages!! Whoot!! Congrats if you stuck it out!! If you didn't well who cares you'll never see this anyways.

Please review: praises, constructive criticism, flames, anything, I just really like seeing the number go up.


	6. Sunday NightOrientation

Title: The Theory

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

Thank you for the reviews. Thanks to **deathandcrimson** and **coumarin-chan** who favourited me or something like that; I forget even though I just checked the e-mail. Anyway, that's totally awesome and I'm really grateful. Welcome to this chapter showing the 'transfers' first day of school and also I need to introduce the other characters to each other because it can't all be about me can it? Well it could but that's no fun and I get pretty bored of me sometimes too. So, let's enjoy the ride shall we?

I own nothing except bad sleeping habits, the official College Board SAT Study Guide and awesome pick-up lines.

**Chapter 6 (prologue) – Sunday Night**

Chantal Tamar Mitchell (yes, the bitch who hung up on me) lay on her bed, a variety of thoughts and emotions racing across the vast, empty expanse of her mind as she only vaguely heard the conversation going on outside her door. There was the vague contemplation of calling Adrienne to apologize profusely for her blatant disbelief in her story, but that thought was long gone as she was still overwhelmed by the shock. Outside, the dim voice of Koenma retreated down the stairs as the sounds of lightly approaching footsteps reached Chantal's room door; poking her head through the entrance, Auntie Hazel looked at the semi-comatose form of her teenaged daughter.

"Pooh-bear? Are you okay?" she asked receiving only a grunt in reply as all brain functions necessary for communication were in their 'off' state. "Well, in any case you need to get young Hiei settled in as he'll be staying with us from now own," she said, gently shoving Hiei into the room. "Well have fun!" and with that cheery note, she was off to the kitchen to busy herself with stuff. Chantal sat erect in her bed, openly ogling the demon in front of her; Hiei looked her over, his gaze however lacking the drooling and fan-girly lustful intensity of hers. (This is starting to sound like a bad romance novel). Chantal mutely pointed towards her wall, where a hammock filled with stuffed animals hung from the low slanting ceiling. "You can sleep there," she said quietly. Or at least that's what she thought she said. What actually came out was "YuaptARGHga…Hieihaaa…there…"

Ignoring her, as one can only do when faced with a ridiculous fangirl; Hiei looked at the hammock and snorted in disbelief. "You expect me to sleep on a bed of pathetic stuffed cutesy novelty playthings?" Hiei said looking from her to the hammock. But as was explained earlier, there was nowhere else for him to stay, so he decided to make the best of this situation. With a mere glimmer of his eye, the hammock was vacated of its occupants as the plushies were set aflame. "Hn. Better."

Chantal's high-pitched gasp drew his attention as she began her barrage of pillow attacks. "15 YEARS!! 15 years I've spent collecting those and in less than 15 milliseconds you destroy all of them!!?!" she screamed, the high pitch of her voice making the glass window vibrate and Hiei cringe as he dodged her fluffy assaults. Outside in the kitchen, Auntie Hazel stood at the sink washing eggs because she has nothing else to do thinking, 'Ah the vibrancy of youth…'

"Would you stop hit- pfft!" Hiei got out, before one end of the pillow connected with his mouth. Grabbing hold with his teeth, he wrenched it from her grasp (A/N: drink your milk kids and you'll have strong teeth like Hiei!) and proceeded to roast it. "If you would look over there, you feebleminded juvenile," he said, his irritation evident as he pointed to one end of the hammock. "You would realize that one of them survived."

"Survived?" Chantal asked feebly, her hands clutching the air where the pillow was. Following the line of his finger, her eyes landed on a stuffed tiger, its spotted coat faded slightly with age. "Yay tiger!!" she exclaimed, bounding over to where it lay and hugging it tightly. "Okay all is forgotten," she said happily, as if Hiei who had taken up residence in the hammock really gave a fuck.

Kurama however had an 'easier' time settling in with Kathryna. Two intellectuals; how entertaining can it really be? "Here's your room. If you need anything I'll be downstairs in the kitchen," Kathryna said as she turned to go speak with Koenma.

"Thank you," said the well-mannered fox to the bald girl's retreating back as he bent to his bag and began unpacking. Hearing the heavy shuffling of the approaching presence behind him he turned around swiftly greeted by Kathryna's stooped 90-year-old grandmother. "Oh, hello," he said, smiling charmingly as he approached her because let's face it, Kurama can charm anyone. "How are you?"

"Where's my fucking socks!?!?!!" the old lady said loudly into Kurama's shocked face now lightly drizzled with old-lady spit – which is really the worst kind besides overweight college professor and pretentious nerd boy.

"Wha…" For the first time in a long while, Kurama found himself speechless.

"You stole my socks!?!?" she proclaimed loudly before Kathryna came and gently steered her away from. "Come now grandma, why are you bothering the nice boy?" she said, mouthing 'I'm so sorry,' as she left the room with her elderly relative.

"Why is his skin yellow?!?! He's supposed to be brown goddammit!! Motherfucking immigrants!!!" Kurama watched blinkingly as the old and apparently racist, woman was escorted to her room.

'Well,' Kurama said, standing up straight, 'this should be…interesting.'

Kuwabara however was more overwhelmed by the size of Aisha's home. They were currently on the second floor after having extensively toured all three, before Aisha forgot he wasn't sleeping in the basement. Aisha however was a little displeased at who her transfer student was.

'Why do I get stuck with the ugly one,' she thought as she opened the door to the guest room. As they walked in, Kuwabara's attention was drawn unyieldingly to the area where most females have an ass, but where, unfortunately for Aisha, there seemed to be an empty nothingness leaving the high school delinquent with a feeling of regret for the poor girl's lacking in cushion.

"So uh, pretty nice place you got her," Kuwabara said, breaking the awkward silence in the room.

"Uh-huh," she said, looking around the room, at his shoes, anywhere but at him. "So here's the room, there's the bed, chest of drawers and yeah, see you in the morning," the door closing behind her, leaving a bewildered Kuwabara standing alone in the silent room as somewhere in the house, Rihanna's Umbrella played. Lifting his arm, he smelt his armpit wondering if the power of his stunning manly musk had driven her away with shameful ecstasy.

By this time, the sun had set in the distance and the stars/satellites twinkled in the city smog and the twilight. Also, by this time, Yusuke had settled into him host's guest room. Also, by this time, Yusuke would have locked the door to keep his host outside and away from him as, by this time, Yusuke would've realized how fucking nutso Tedi is. She'd already jumped on him 12 times; after years of surprise attacks on his livelihood, he really can't be blamed for throwing her across the room every other time. Apparently she didn't get the memo that you **do not** jump the Spirit Detective. Kicking back, Yusuke assumed the universal 'chill-out pose' as he leaned against the wall and lit up. A knock sounded at the door which could only be Tedi who, upon giving up on clawing at the door, started knocking every few minutes and asking 'strange' questions.

"I told you," Yusuke said, annoyance thick in his voice as he moved to open the door." I have a girlfriend! I'm not going to fu – hello?" he said looking, not at Tedi, but at her 6'5'' muscular father.

"There will be no smoking in my house, is that understood?" he said as he ripped the lit cigarette from his mouth. Looking down into the gelled hair of the 5'8'' delinquent, he was met with a facial expression that held nothing short of 'fuck you'-insubordination. Greatly contemplating beating this Gouki wannabe down, Koenma's earlier speech sprang to mind; something about low-key and nonviolence and other pointless peaceable stuff like that. So instead of satisfying the urge to make his foot a permanent fixture in this man's nostrils, he settled for strained compliance.

"Sure I understand," he said, his face twitching from the effort. The encounter terminated by both moving away from the door, Yusuke moved into his room foolishly leaving the door open allowing for Tedi to pounce with the cheetah-like grace that her height and thin frame accommodate. "Sonofa-" Yusuke yelled as the sudden force of Tedi's assault sent his head flying into the bed.

And it was in this way that the boys came to be situated in their new temporary homes, complete unaware of the madness that would befall them at the twitching hands of one very single, lonely, bitter and bored teenage girl.

**A/N:** Before we continue, I need to do a little explanation about the rest of this chapter's contents. As I've said, I'm Jamaican and this story is set in Jamaica. Like any nation, we have our own dialect/slang (African-Americans have Ebonics, French Creole in France and some other derivatives in Japan maybe I dunno), we also have our own called patois, pronounced 'pat-wha' (something like that) which is more or less Standard English with differences in grammar/sentence structure and vocabulary due to slave trades and other boring history stuff I don't remember. So in my effort to provide a factual retelling of fictional events, I find it necessary to include some of the dialect; there'll be translation-type things but I think this will be the only chapter with patois for obvious reasons (I'm too lazy to write to sets of dialogue all the time). So if you don't quite understand, fret not and just wait for chapter 7. So here we go.

["………"] = 'Translation'

**Orientation**

After a painful Sunday night and a hectic Monday morning, the Spirit Detectives, Kuronue and the host students were sitting in the school's spacious front office, already subject to many lustful stares and whispers. It's an all-girls school. It's only because it's before 8 o' clock that the walls haven't been torn down and the boys raped mercilessly. This isn't even a joke; any molecule of testosterone outside of teachers and most of the student body simultaneously go into heat. Not to say that the boys weren't enjoying it. And by boys I mean the perverted horndogs Yusuke, Kuwabara and Kuronue, the latter currently hitting on girls through the windows while being held back by his collar by the ever dutiful Kurama who calmly flipped through a yellowed magazine from the 30's.

"Hey baby!" he yelled to one particular girl of interest. "What's say you and me make like Pringles?"

"How's that?" she asked, giggling as she twirled her hair ignorant of the homicide the poor classmate she was standing on was planning.

"Cuz once you pop, I don't think I'll ever stop," he said, flipping his own hair as hormonal bubbles caused the girl the faint from pure bliss. (A/N: You have no idea how painful it was for me to write this.)

"Be quiet!!" came the voice of the stereotypically uptight teacher – the kind with the bun and the prissy attitude who won't be featured again in this story – as the office's occupants laughed at how _smooth_ Kuro was. "And another thing: we do not permit such lascivious and borderline pornographic behaviour!!" she concluded; you could see stick up her ass outlined against her pencil skirt. "Do you have anything to say for yourself!!?" By this time, due to one fox demon's one-armed determination, Kuronue was now properly seated in the chair and was eyeing the teacher up and down as he thought over her words.

"You know," he said, somehow managing to gently take her hand in his. "I prefer my women with more experience. Maybe you can you teach me something in detention?" You could see the vein pulse in Kurama's forehead as his partner in crime rubbed the now unconscious woman's hand against his face. To make matters worse, Koenma now emerged from the headmistress' office; the room's sexy quotient was off the map.

Yes. S.Q.

"So everything's been worked out: class schedules, homerooms, teachers, all that official stuff," the prince said, stepping over the comatose woman who _mysteriously_ disappeared form the universe of the fic. "Where's Kuwabara?" Looking around, it was the first time we realized he'd been missing; probably too preoccupied with Kuro's lesson on how to not come on to someone. Even Hiei was present, idly leaning against a doorframe as little sparks of fire in appropriate hair patches kept the fangirls at bay.

"Well who's he staying with?" Kathryna asked wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Aisha Ricketts," he replied, consulting a scroll pulled from God only knows where.

"Well he's not getting here for now; Aisha is notoriously late……for everything," I explained. "They'll probably have to facebook her about her own funeral…"

"Yeah, didn't she make her best friend late for her own surprise party or something?" Chantal asked turning to Tedi.

"That was an accident, a misunderstanding and I still can't believe she yelled out 'Hold on! They're not ready yet!!'" Tedi said, wringing her tie at the memory.

"Well I'm sure she'll be here soon."

"Yeah, by lunch maybe, " I said as I leaned my head against the wall only to find out my voice has magical summoning powers as Kuwabara ran up the school's front stairs and burst into the office, tripping over Hiei's extended foot where he skidded to a halt before Koenma's feet.

"Dumbass."

"Hey buddy, you made it!" Yusuke said, squatting down to smack Kuwabara on his back, the tile cracking slightly from the force. "Did you run here?" he asked as he looked at his hand and Kuwabara's sweat stained shirt in slight disgust.

"Fuck…*wheeze* you…*cough*…" Kuwabara managed to get out before resting his head against the cool tile once again.

"Well, you were getting kind of out of shape; you could use the exercise," his _best_ friend said, laughing at his plight. Suddenly, the rejuvenated Kuwabara (but still very sweaty) jumped up challenging the paranormal dick.

"Exercise?! I'll show you how much exercise I need when I'm pounding your ass into the floor!!" Kuwabara said grabbing Yusuke by the front of his shirt.

"Fine but are you sure you're not dumb enough to hit your own face when aiming for my ass?"

In an act aimed at preserving the concrete structure that makes up the front office, the fight was quickly terminated and the boys all went to their assigned homerooms. Because the eternal powers that be shine on me so brightly, I found myself with Kuronue sitting behind engaging in polite conversation with Chantal and ruthlessly flirting with every other female student within a 30 ft. radius. Abruptly, Zahra flew through the door closely followed by Laura; both seemed very distressed at some occurrence in their lives.

"There're anime characters here!!" they screamed in unison.

That might be it.

From his position on the railing outside, Hiei glanced over the girls' figures. 'Big breasts…wide hips…hmmm.'

"How did…why are…when did……ehh?" Laura brainstormed

"Yeah, turns out Adrienne's only three-quarters as crazy as we originally thought," said Chantal, turning in her seat to face the pair.

"Three-quarters?" I asked as I moved to avoid the air kisses Kuronue was currently blowing everywhere. "After all this, I only get 25% worth of sanity?"

"Take what you can get; this might all be mass hysteria."

"Mass hysteria, insanity, the author's plain retarded, who cares!?!" Zahra exclaimed, her breasts jiggling slightly as she threw her arms in the air in vexation. "How is that any kind of explanation for this?!"

"Go to and look for a story called 'THE THEORY'; it's all laid out there."

"Is it really alright for us to be so aware we're in a story?" Laura asked as Zahra went off to the school library.

"Ah well, too late now. Oh look who decided to show up," I said as Aisha passed by the classroom. In that moment, several changes shook everyone in the classroom to their core. Well not really, but its dramatic right? Kuro's attention was quickly drawn from the other girls as his eyes locked onto the gaunt –I'm sorry, _skinny_- frame of young Aisha; his eyes moved over her body, resting on the barely perceptible lumps upon her chest and at the base of her spine. We watched with the same morbid fascination that one watches a dog rip into a piece of meat or take a dump as Kuro swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing as he watched the sunlight beautifully reflect off the dry, dense and wiry mass upon Aisha's head i.e. hair. (P.S. I'm not too fond of her.)

"You," he said breathlessly as he quickly descended to one knee in front of her, clasping her hand between his very much like how he came on to Botan, "are unspoiled perfection. It is my belief that if you stood in front of a mirror holding 11 roses you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world. The only reason the moon is not visible during the day is because it hides its face in shame of the radiance of your beauty. Stars fall from the sky in suicidal pain as the heavens gaze upon the Victorian elegance with which you carry the heavy burden of your perfection." Kuronue gently kissed her fingertips as Kurama silently slipped into the homeroom. Looking behind the door, he examined three of the brooms there, weighing each one in his hand as Kuro continued his romantic assault on the speechless Aisha.

"So if you don't mine, I'd like to introduce myself," he said, standing straight up and looking down into her eyes. "People call me Kuronue, but you can call me tonight-" he managed to get out before the broom connected squarely with Kuronue's face. We watched as Kurama, standing over the fallen bat-demon, shoved the brush into his open and sputtering mouth.

"We are supposed to be _incognito_ you ignoramus."

"And beating someone senseless with a broom is laying low?" I asked, watching as he plunged the broom further into the struggling demon, restraining him with his foot.

"Of course not," he said, smiling calmly releasing rose petals into the air (just for effect).

Zahra quickly reappeared from library after having read the five previous chapters of this story. "Okay, I understand now," she said panting. "There're some spelling errors and your punctuation is really strange but yeah I understand now."

A loud crackling was heard as the principal came over the intercom: "All students please report to the patio for general assembly; I expect you all to be out there in 2.3 minutes. That is all."

"Alright!!" yelled Kuro, jumping up and breaking the broom in half debris still hanging from his obviously pointy ears as Kurama just stared at the broken half in his hand. "An assembly of the sexy!! Of course you, the angel that has brought such joy to my heart, love to my life and vitality to my loins is all one man could ever need," he said as the rest of the group made their way towards the patio. Reaching the columns, we the students felt it necessary to inform the boys of what they were getting themselves into.

"Okay wait, you guys know what you're up against right?" asked Verona who resurrected herself from the sanctity of the nurses' office's bed.

"Getting into? It's just a high school isn't it?" Kurama asked.

"Alright Kuro, you know how you were always saying I'm bitchy, miserable, annoying, all that jazz?" I said, turning to him.

"Yeah, it's called puberty," he replied, nicely rationalizing his insults. "It's not your fault."

"You're damn right it's not my fault, but puberty has nothing to do with it. Well maybe a little. But you don't understand: we were all modest, good-humoured and lovely children; it is Immaculate that has made us all insufferable," I said, the aggressive nodding of the girls striking fear into their hearts. Well, maybe not fear. Maybe more like caution. And we all know Hiei couldn't give a fuck.

Eventually we were all situated in the large open patio beneath the bright morning sun for Monday morning assembly.

-----15 minutes later---

The students were all situated in the large open patio beneath the bright, burning sun for Monday morning mass torture; you could hear the oil in people's skin and hair blistering as the sun god himself dropped his pants took a bright sunshine-y dump on the campus. The heat was unbearable, even Hiei leaned suspiciously to the side under the strain of the heat. Soon enough, we were granted a reprieve and allowed to sit as the principal came out to give morning announcements. I shuffled to the side, looking past Kuwabara whose neck was burnt to a shade rivaling his hair.

"Good morning students," came the bright, chirpy of Sister Margaret Young.

"Ughh," rang the collective groan of the roasting students.

"You'll all be staying here for another if you don't answer me properly."

"Good morning Sister Margaret!!" 'You fucking tyrannical bitch!!' we replied like good, disciplined students, keeping our thoughts to ourselves.

"As you all will have noticed by now, we have some new students among us," she said slowly.

In one sudden movement, the whole female student body turned to face the boys sitting in the middle of the patio; they were very vocal with their opinions of them.

"Oh Em Gee!!! (Yes I spelt it out, so there) The one with the black hair is so sexy!!" screamed one nondescript girl.

"Which one?!"

"Fuck 'which one'; I'll hump all of them!!"

"A wha do dis yah batty bwoy?!"

**[Literal Translation:** What is ailing this bottom boy?**]**

**[More Appropriate Translation:** What the fuck is wrong with that faggot?"**]**

(A/N: that's it. That's all the patois for this chapter)

"Who's the ugly guy? Mommy I'm scared!!" (Thanks to **washio the space demon** for that line)

"Hey, whose little brother is that one in the back? He's so short and cute."

"Do you think he's lost?"

The girls' 'fawning' quickly came to an end as someone's sun burnt hair 'spontaneously' combusted; the sun was shining to brightly for anyone to notice the dull glow beneath his bandana.

"These students are part of a new integration system to change the school from single-sex to coeducational. They are transfer students staying with us for the remainder of this school year. Their names are – please stand when I call your name- Yusuke Urameshi, Kazuma Kuwabara, Shuuichi 'Kurama' Minamino, Hiei, Kuronue and Yuuki Miyamori.

"Hey who's he? One of your guys?" Kuro asked Yusuke.

"Hell if I know," he said shrugging. "I didn't even know we were coming here until five minutes before."

"He's a minor character in the manga/anime series Great Teacher Onizuka (A/N: one of the most awesomest series evar!!) And I have claimed him for myself in this story," I explained from my seat on the ground, dodging the pairs of underwear that were being thrown at them.

"_Claimed_ him?"

"Creative license; suck it."

"Okay boys, you may sit down. When this Christmas/Fall term has finished, other male students will be descending upon the campus to take part in the joyous education that we offer here," Sister continued as students started sweating in place sweat just should not be under any circumstances whatsoever!! "In the meantime, that is all for assembly today," she concluded as students jumped from the concrete, ignoring the misshapen sweat stains created by the multitude of asses.

"Oh wait, there's one more thing."

We all died a little inside as we sunk back to the thick layer of sweat vapour and sadness that shrouded our previous seats. "Due to your chemistry teachers' excessive exposure to chemicals and too much time hitting on the students, we have had to temporarily suspend. In light of this, I am pleased to introduce your new chemistry teacher Kara...Krasuoon? Karanuso?"

"KARASU!?!" screamed Kurama, standing up and looking up at the stage.

"Yes quite right, thank you young man," she replied happily, ignorant of the turmoil that raged within the fox demon. "Well here he is, Karasu."

Kurama stood still with mixed emotions as he watched the tall, dark and deadly Karasu emerge from the confines of the front office. His mask sparkled in the violent sunshine and he seemed impervious to the heat as his pale brow was bare of sweat despite his dark clothing.

"And look, he even has his own mask; how professional!! Would you like to tell us something about yourself?" she asked looking up into violet eyes as she handed him the mike.

Long fingers wrapped around the mike as he brought it to his lips. (Yaoi?) "………hello."

This comment was met with repeated silence from the gathered crowd.

"Uh, well would you like to tell the students a little about what you have planned for the rest of this school year?" asked Sister, students and teachers all quiet awaiting his response.

"…………"

"Mr. Karasu, sir?"

"………teach."

"Excuse me?"

"I plan………" said the voice behind the mask, "to teach."

There has never been a silence so heavy. Kurama however – who's still standing, mind you – was not so satisfied by this reason. Uncontrollable rage did not even come close to describe how he currently felt as he glared thorny daggers at the figure standing on the shaded stage. Karasu, sweeping the crowd, was immediately drawn to the familiar bright red hair. Dropping the mike in the principal's hands, he seemed to float down the steps into the patio, a path appearing as the students moved out of the way of his sheer awesomeness. His steps were effortless and his movements graceful as he came to stand in front of Kurama, looking down into the stock of red follicles; the whole patio was silent either in anticipation or because there was a very nice breeze blowing at the moment. After some time, they spoke.

"Is your body shaking because you're anticipating what I'll do to you or is that just fear?" Karasu said softly, gently running his fingers through a lock of the fox's hair. (Yaoi!?)

"……dead."

"Whazzat?"

"Why aren't you dead?" Kurama demanded, his whole being shaking with an anger that manifested in the surroundings, breathing life into shrubs that, now rich with spirit energy, were growing at an alarming rate. The infamously level-headed Kurama seemed to have lost his mind as he moved to attack the _teacher_ regardless of the consequences. This plan was quickly foiled as Karasu jumped back – flew, really- in retreat, landing on the stage.

"Yes," he said, once again holding the mike as if the last few events hadn't even occurred. "I plan……to teach."

"Ah, well," Sister Young said. "Well that's all for this morning's assembly. Please return to your homerooms and wait for the first bell."

The student body stood as one and moved towards their respective blocks; Karasu stood on the stage ignorant of the stares he was getting as students filed past him, watching the head of red hair weave amongst the crowd. Invisible behind his mask, his lips curved upwards into a smile of anticipation.

Back in their respective homerooms, the boys stood going over class schedules by the very helpful girls in their classes. 'Boys' however excludes everyone's favorite fox demon currently in the new boy's bathroom – someone wrote **BOYS** on a piece of paper and super-glued it to the door - pacing under the watchful gaze of his friend. Back and forth he watched him, blood filling his face until his complexion offset the high- and lowlight of his hair.

"You know," Kuronue said in the quiet of the dank bathroom, "you shouldn't hold all that rage inside. It'll make you constipated." Speaking might not have been the best of actions as Kurama stopped and looked at him, his rage-y attention now focused on him. Hurriedly, Kuronue tried to make sense. "Yeah, it's bad for your colon or something and you'll get ulcers and...and…stuff," he said, his voice trailing into nothingness.

"You're absolutely right," Kurama agreed unexpectedly after a few moments of awkward silence. "Kuro, come here and help me relieve some stress will you?" (YAOI?!) The bat-demon's sudden jump to a position of safety –a corner of the wall, his head bent against the ceiling – Kurama delivered a spinning back kick to one of the stall doors.

"There!" Kuro said blowing plaster from the ceiling away from his cheek. "Feel better?"

"Mm," grunted the fox.

'Jeez, this is just like that time when half his tail got burnt and someone accidentally finished all his shampoo,' Kuro thought. 'Venus flytraps feeding on people; just horrible. Seriously though, who goes on a screaming rampage about Herbal Essence? It doesn't even deliver. Do I get orgasms in the shower when I use it? Well yes but I usually have a girl with me and it's a completely different head she has her hands on. Heh. Reminds me of that time-'

"You're thinking about sex aren't you?" Kurama asked, breaking Kuronue's concentration and causing him to fall the 8 ft. to the ground.

"What makes you think that?" Kuro asked, laughing nervously.

"Your wings react faster than your penis."

"Ah. Well never mind that," he said as he appeared beside his friend, clamping an arm over his shoulder. "This whole situation with Karasu doesn't have to be that bad. We'll handle it together; get him out of here somehow right? Now let's go; beautiful specimen of women awaits us."

As they moved toward the door, Verona poked her head through because she lost at rock-paper-scissors used to determine who'd go and fine the menstrual fox demon. "Are you guys alright?"

"Isn't this boys' bathroom?" Kurama asked very prissily.

Verona's head disappeared momentarily as a ripping sound was heard. Fully entering the bathroom now, she handed Kurama the **BOYS** sign. "Well class is about to start, do you know which class you have first?"

Withdrawing personalized timetables from wherever the hell they had them in the first place, they consulted them for the first class of what was already a very long day.

"Says, here I have English Literature," Kuro said, as he glanced over the rest of the electives someone elected him to take. 'Physics? Additional Math? Why would you need more math than what they're already giving you?' Hearing the glass window behind him break, he turned around to see vines snaking through the corners of the frame as a tree branch landed solidly against the floor. He turned to look at Kurama who was clutching the thin paper and shaking violently. "Kurama?" he asked a tremor in his voice. "Ol' buddy, ol' pal. Every alright? What's your first class for the day? Huh, buddy?"

Receiving no answer, Kuro moved to peer over his shoulder at the tearing sheet. "Let's see: '8:35 – 9:10 and from 9:10 – 9:45, that's two periods of…oh." Printed on the sheet, as if mocking Kurama's very essence, (**HERBAL** essence) was '**CHEMISTRY'**. Abruptly, Kurama threw down the paper and stormed past a very scared and very silent Verona and threw the door open, moving into the hall as the bell rang. "Hey, where are you going?!" Kuro called, worried for the greater good of humanity.

"To find and _obliterate_ a particular authoress."

For obvious reason, I will not write about this particular morning's classes. Just know that many plants died that day, there were several very suspicious explosions and the Great Bunsen Burner Fires of 11th grade will forever go down in Immaculate Conception High School's history as the greatest unexplained act (*glances at Hiei) since the mysterious roach body parts in the beef patties. That is all.

Lunchtime is a peaceful time of day for me; sitting on the nice cool stone, inhaling whatever I have in front of me that day and enjoying the scenery, conversation and overall company of my friends. I was particularly looking forward to this lunchtime after the stressful weekend and stressful morning of hiding in Spanish class from an angry fox demon. Things seemed to be proceeding well as I, Kathryna and Laura had managed to leave class early; beating lunch lines is always fun. So reaching the lunch-group's area, we staked out an area and began the lunchtime frivolities. The lunch bell rang and the usual stampede towards the cafeteria ensued; throughout the next 15 minutes, the other girls eventually arrived and took their places. With only 15 minutes remaining for the lunch period, we realized we were missing some testosterone.

"Do you think they're dead?" Zahra asked, contemplatively gnawing on her chicken bone.

"Well that's a happy thought," Tedi said. "but they couldn't be dead…could they? Sure the girls are all kind of…"

"Horny."

"Rabid."

"Insane."

"…yeah that. And sure there are roughly 1500 of them but those guys are tough, they've been through worst right?" Tedi asked hopefully.

"I don't know Teds. Fangirls are pretty fucked up," she mumbled over her wheat wrap as heads around the circle nodded vigorously. Out of nowhere – well _technically_ it came from the cafeteria – a loud roar was emitted from the entrance of the cafeteria and a large moving mass of white and blue extracted itself from the building.

"You don't think…" Aisha said softly, fearing to voice what we all thought. Of course Laura had no problem with this whatsoever.

"OH NO They is dead!!! They've succumbed to the wrath that is the awesomely awesome powers of the teenage female hormonal fandom!!! OH NOEZ!!!" Laura cried on her knees as she screamed to heavens.

Once her tirade had stopped however, the very masculine voices of the transfer students could be heard screaming curses and negotiating for their lives. Several bright blue lights could be seen within the mass.

"Yusuke, you can't shoot them!!"

"Urameshi you're not s'posed to hit girls!!"

"Fuck the both of you, they're not girls, they're not even demons they're……**evil**; they're fangirls and they must **perish**. Spirit Gun!"

We sat listening to this go on, watching as several minions were disconnected from the body and thrown into the street and soon enough with 7 minutes left for lunch, the pathetic group managed to drag themselves up the slight incline of the sidewalk to sit on the comforting concrete each looking a little worse than they did this morning and having some kind of food particles hanging from them. Hiei looked very miserable (more so than normal) as he returned his sword to its original position and disappeared into the nearby cannonball tree. Kurama, Kuronue, and Yusuke were all clutching what may or may not be their lunches. Kuwabara, along with his lunch, seemed to be relatively unharmed.

"You know there's only like 5 minutes left for lunch right?" I so nicely informed him, to which I received many 'Fuck you' glares.

"Well you can't say we didn't warn you," Chantal said picking a noodle from Kurama's head.

"Warned us? All you explained was the destruction of the integrity of your character. You failed to mention-"

"That we'd be bent over and ass-raped?" Kuro finished so eloquently from his seat beside Aisha. "don't get me wrong, I don't mind the occasional anal penetration but it needs to be on my terms."

"Strange how you didn't say you had to be the on doing the penetrating," I mused aloud.

"Say what now?"

"I think we'd all very much enjoy some penetration, don't you think so Kurama?" asked a new voice as we all turned to see Karasu (the chem. teacher = major LOL) sitting beside and delicately stroking a twitching Kurama. (YAOI!!)

"Excuse me teacher," Laura said, drawing attention to herself because she's a dumbass. "Are you really supposed to be that close to the students?"

"Do you think it's a fashion statement to be wearing your lunch?" the demon asked idly waving a hand at her.

"I don't under-" she managed to say before the remains of her boxed lunch exploded and landed all over her. Cold chicken and undercooked fries: Vogue bitches. Needless to say we were all praying and very grateful for the end of the school-day as we returned to homeroom awaiting afternoon dismissal. Chantal and I watched with morbid fascination and more than a little disgust as Kuronue and Aisha made 'polite conversation'. I'm surprised they aren't already pawing at each other. In the neighbouring classroom Verona and Kurama were deeply engaged in an intellectual conversation so to how much of a dick Karasu is while Kuwabara and Zahra engaged in a very hardcore Thumb War competition. Across the empty gap in the corridor that had the bathroom, water fountain and stairs to the level below, Yusuke, Laura and Kathryna were all very chill, leaning back and relaxing in their chairs. Hiei was, well we're lucky he even stayed for lunchtime. The familiar crackle of P.A. system was heard and the school's noise level dropped to a bearable decibel amount.

"Good afternoon student. I'm sure you all made our new students feel very welcome here." A loud 'FUCK YOU!' from a disgruntled detective could be heard a few classes down. "In any case, enjoy the rest of your day, make it home safely and I expect to see you all here again tomorrow."

At this, Kuronue released his grip on Aisha and turned to me enraged. "You mean we have to come back and do this shit again?!"

"I say the same thing every day. Bet it beats being in hell though."

"Not by much," Chantal bitterly muttered to herself; her homework's been backing up.

Finally the bell rang and we all scuttled off in our separate directions. Goodbyes were said, Kuro was pried off of every skirt and eventually we made it home. Later that evening, with my mother in the kitchen and me lazily watching the fan spin dirt in every direction, Kuro entered the room.

"Hey Adrienne?"

"Mm?"

"Um…I have a question to ask you," he said a little softly; sheepishly even.

"Mm?"

"You wouldn't happen to have Aisha's number would you?" I tilted my head until I was looking at his inverted and slightly uncomfortably figure.

"Why?" I asked suspicion thick in my voice.

"Well…I …like her," he said, poking at a patch on the rug with his toe. "You didn't notice?"

"It's hard to tell the difference when you're trying to hump everyone within 5 inches of your wingspan. And are you really sure you want to get into a relationship with her?"

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked, sitting down in front of me.

"Well, she's kind of….she…she's sort of like a black widow spider," I said. "She has a tendency of sucking the life out of her partners. Then again, I don't pay attention to her too much so I don't really know. Are you sure you're ready to be whipped into submission?"

Kuronue snorted as he looked at my upside-down concern. "You have obviously never dealt with demons before."

"_Obviously."_

"Well, there's no need to worry, I'm sure I can handle a teenage human girl."

"You mean like you managed them at lunchtime today?" I pointed out, feeling quite victorious.

"………so do you have the number or what?"

"Yeah hang on a sec," I said, getting up and rolling towards the notebook with her number scribbled in the back, completely unaware of the shitstorm this was about to unleash upon the world.

All over the island, well not really but in the girls' homes things were 'quiet' as everyone had had a long day. One person's mind however was still very much in action.

"Sweetheart? Does Hiei look familiar to you?" Auntie Hazel asked as she stood in front of the open refrigerator.

"WHAT?!" Chantal asked a _bit_ too loudly, choking on her apple juice. she internally cursed herself for ever introducing her mother to anime.

She stared off into ceiling, wistfully musing about where he could've come from. (My oven maybe?) "Yes, I feel like I know him from somewhere…"

"No you don't."

"But I'm almost sure I-"

"Mom are you having a senior moment?" Chantal said her face very serious. There was a slight pause as her mother contemplated the possibility of this.

"Yeah, you're probably right. 'Night Chantal," she said, moving off to her own bedroom, leaving Chantal with her head resting on the dining room table feeling _very_ exhausted.

End Chapter 6.

______________________________

Whoo. 21 pages this time. I think I'll return to the usual 7- 10 or so. Also, I am shamelessly plugging my friend **washio the space demon**'s story **Hiei In Love The Redo**. It is romantic comedy goodness. So kindly read and review both this and hers. Thank you so much for your time.


	7. KO

Title: The Theory

Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

Thanks again for taking the time to read and review; I'm ever so grateful. So I've been thinking that I stop counting pages because no one's really complained about chapter length yet. Os I need some feedback on that: shorter chapters? longer? same? Get back to me people!!

I dedicate this chapter to my birthday month buddies: Chantal (9th), Zahra (18th) and Janelle (26th). I'm the 25th…although no one really with the fiction!!!

I own your face.

**Chapter 7- K.O. also known as K.A.Y.O.H.**

The week had progressed very much like the previous chapter -random explosions, lunchtime debacles and severe violations of the teacher-student relationship – and, with a swiftness that can only come from a school week, it was Thursday night and the cast were preparing for the beginning of the weekend. The majority of the group was settled in for the night. However, over at the Kuwabara-Ricketts residence, discord was ever-present.

Approaching the door, Kuwabara heard Rihanna screaming about some thing or another. Remembering his purpose, he knocked heavily on the closed door. Eventually, as the volume of Rihanna's voice took to rising with each knock, Kuwabara shouldered his way into the clustered and heavily perfumed room. He stopped and watched as the teenaged boy disengaged himself from Aisha's chest, jumped from the bed and launched himself from the balcony railing, flying off into the night. Of course, as any horny teenager close to getting any action in their parents' house will tell you, she was _quite_ upset at being interrupted. Thus she targeted her estrogen fueled animosity to the goliath standing in the middle of her room.

"Just who the fuck do you think you are that you can just barge in here without knocking?!"

"But I knocked," Kuwabara said, gesturing to the door that was splintered in several places due to the force of his knocking. His response was drowned out by her shrieks.

"Just because you're monkey-ass fugly," she screamed as she righted her shirt, "does not mean you have to fuck up everything for everybody else!!"

Now Kazuma Kuwabara has taken quite a bit of abuse in his career of being a human: Yusuke constantly kicking his face in, demons kicking his face in, Toguro trying to kill him(surprisingly not including the kicking in of the face), including many insults to his overall character and appearance. But Kuwabara would be damned if he was going to let this little 90-pound girl talk down to him like that. Or up. 'Cuz you know he's so tall and stuff………

"Now look," Kuwabara said unsmilingly. "I have taken a _lot_ of disrespect in my life, but that was from demons who soon died or Urameshi who keeps dying anyways. But you _little girl_," he said moving forward until eventually Aisha was leaning against the wall staring wide-eyed up into a flaming redhead's face. "You, little girl, have not been around me and you seem to have no grasp of my personality. So for you to insult me as a man is to unleash upon yourself the wrath of a young man's youth!! Now I have never hit a woman and I never will, but if you insult me one more time I'll have to ask you take off your makeup and you and me step outside. Is that understood?"

Aisha could only not mutely in the silence; even Rihanna realized how serious this moment was. And yet, something amazing had happened to the young girl. As she watched the broad back of the teenage delinquent exit her room and her trembling thighs clenched together, she had finally come to recognize Kuwabara for what he was: a man that deserves to be respected.

And now I must pause as I have laughed myself into a coma from writing that. I not a big Kuwabara fan but he really doesn't get enough credit. Alright, moving on.

The rest of the night passed peacefully enough for all as everyone's minds strayed to candy-flavoured mountains, bright sunshiny days, endless aisles of manga and blood and carnage. However, only one person's dreams garner any recognition in this chapter and shall push the limits of the rating on this story. This is because, dear reader, Kurama was having a wet dream about Chantal. I refuse to write the proceedings of his mind here but the old and seemingly dead oak tree suddenly flourished overnight as bent and wilted plants stood at attention the next morning in all their fine greenery. (A/N: Chantal you can go suck it; use your imagination.).

And so Friday morning came and with it, the usual excited anticipation of the weekend coupled with the expected 'woe-is-me' attitudes as to why school even exists in the first place. Luckily for the students of this fine institution of higher education, there is such a thin called Prefect Period on Fridays where, in the 35-minute period before lunch, we return to our respective homerooms to waste time. Of course it's high school so who gives a shit about order? As such, most of the group was in the library broken off into little clusters wreaking havoc in the room. Kuronue was, of course sitting on a couch with Aisha as close to his lap without actually sitting on it. Zahra, Verona, Laura and I found ourselves in the adjoining computer lab, occasionally looking through the windows at the madness taking place between internet escapades. Chantal and Kathryna eventually drifted over to where Kurama sat looking over local flora; some skilful acting eventually got the fan-girls to pay more attention to the circus act of Yusuke and Kuwabara. I would love to say they were performing as Kuwabara's foot planted squarely in the detective's chest Yusuke away from him as he read aloud a love/apology letter he'd been composing to Keiko (because he's always wrong about something, right?).

"'Keiko I'm sorry for accidentally Dutch oven-ing you the other night. Also I am sorry for hurling when you had me taste that cake/noodle thing. Although it's not _my fault_ I was surprised. I mean your family owns a restaurant for fuck's sake, so of course I'd think your cooking would've gotten better by now!!'" Kuwabara looked from the letter to the detective being held away from him by the length of his leg and burst into raucous laughter. "_This_ is your apology? What the hell does Keiko even see in you?"

"The same thing your mom sees when she's on her knees in front of me," Yusuke said, straining against his friend's foot.

"I'm telling Keiko you called her a cock-sucking whore."

"What?! You mother-" A struggle ensued as fought against the limb in an attempt to claw the paper from Kuwabara's hands with a side of ass-kicking involved.

"They realize they're in a library right?" Kathryna asked from her place beside Kurama.

"Location is just a minor detail in these happenings," Kurama replied smartly, looking at his fellow companions. Opposite him at the table sat Chantal, her tie and top button loosed to accommodate the unyielding heat of the tropics. Images from his dream flashed through his mind as he watched her devour several volumes of _Wallflower/Perfect Girl Evolution_. Now Kurama, as I'm sure we can all guess, is no virgin. But puberty's a bitch on the endocrine system and the man had _needs_. Of course nothing is ever going to happen because any sign of romance in this story is either accidental or in complete mockery: for example, Aisha and Kuro necking behind the Classic Literature section of the library. Hiei had occupied himself with a history text entitled _'Dictatorship for Dummies'_. In the computer lab, the black and white background of a free manga website scrolled by in front of my eyes as I looked through various titles. Beside me, Verona's headphones blasted music to the point of explosion while Zahra and Laura did their social networking online. A Windows Live Messenger alert sounded as a conversation window opened up on my screen. The face displayed via webcam was none other than Koenma himself. The obvious reaction for when a fictional character appears on your screen is, of course, to jump into the lap of the person immediately behind you and yell like a neutered oil trucker. Luckily, the room's occupants had been frozen in time; looking through the windows, we saw the library frozen in gray save for the demons, Kuwabara and the girls. After much shuffling, everyone was assembled in the room, the Spirit Detectives clustered in front of the small screen. Koenma's voice crackled out of the monitor's speakers.

"So is everything going well over there?"

"Yeah, if by well you mean daily rape attempts, girls taking pictures of us while we use the bathroom, and locks of hair being cut and sold on eBay-" At this point Kurama ran his hand through his slightly uneven locks as a faint trembling swept through his body. "-then we're all fan-fucking-tastic," Yusuke concluded.

"Ah, well in that case I probably shouldn't tell you the bad news,' Koenma said, looking around and shifting uncomfortably. "Well, it's not entirely possible for you to return to your world."

"WHAT?!" Kuwabara yelled suddenly grabbing the computer monitor and screaming into it. "You mean I'll never see my darling Yukina again?!" Hiei visibly cringed behind him.

"Well you see," the young prince said, nervously backing away from the steaming face on his large TV monitor. "When everyone went through the respective portals, your energy wavelengths had to change accordingly or you would've died from the pressure placed on your body."

"Your body would've exploded," Hiei said impatiently when Kuwabara's and Yusuke's eyes glazed over.

"Ohhhh."

"Dumbass."

"What was that you flaming midget!?!"

"_Anyways_," the prince proclaimed loudly, regaining his composure and the groups attention. "There is the possibility that you'll have to be there for a bit longer but it could be worse."

"Worse how?" Hiei asked; he's getting tired of sleeping in a hammock. You can't really blame him seeing as how they offer little to no lumber support.

"You could all be in North Korea."

The group was silent as we let the gravity of that statement weigh on us; thankfully, Kurama spoke breaking the silence.

"You said that our energies had changed when traveling to this dimension. So how is it that you are able to move from place to place so easily?"

"Because I am Koenma and I am awesome."

The screen went black and the surrounding students regained their colour as the group wondered about the particular brand of simpleton they were dealing with. The lunch bell rang and we made the trek to the cafeteria, the demons utilizing their speed and several rooftops; luckily the mob at lunch was only half as large as a Navy battalion and the time passed uneventfully. And then, the most torturous time fell upon us: the last 15 minutes of class before the end of the school week. It was Religious Education class once again and as Mr. Buckland droned on about the sins of the flesh, I watched my fellow classmates –comrades in the struggle- fall to the unvarying vibrations of the balding, middle-aged man's vocal chords. Sweet honey filled my ears as a similar darkness weighed heavily upon my eyelids and I found myself slamming my hand under my biology text just to keep conscious. I glanced around the room at those who were fighting the good fight against boredom as Mr. Buckland droned on.

"The sins of the flesh include but are not limited to slothfulness…"

I looked beside me to see Chantal's head thrown back resting against the back of her seat as a fly moved around her open mouth, tasting a fine line of drool.

"………lust and pride…"

After losing interest in waiting for the fly to enter her throat I turned to face the couple in front of me; Kuronue had his desk so close to Aisha there wasn't even an aisle anymore. She stared adoringly at her reflection in his eyes, moving a stray hair every so often as he doted on her, his hand lost from view within the folds of her uniform.

"…as well as wrath and gluttony."

Looking up at the wall on the clock, I wondered when the fuck this guy was going to shut up and realize 3 whole rows of people were in a worrying coma-like state. My stomach rumbled as I remembered the lunch that had been stolen from me when one overly enthusiastic fan-girl found herself in my lap. 'She really should buy me a new water bottle; it's really her fault it broke on her head anyways. Maybe mommy's on to something when she mentioned those anger management classes…' lost in my own thoughts I only barely registered Kuro and his raised hand.

"Excuse me, sir?" he asked, ever the polite schoolboy. "But you're saying being lustful and fornicating is sinful right?"

"Yes that's right."

"So, is it still technically a sin if you have sex with a priestess?"

There was a sudden _'snap'_ as Mr. Buckland's chalk broke against the board and all colour drained from his bald spot. The room was still and silent, devoid of the snoring that has become a prerequisite for any R.E. class. Beside me, there was the abrupt sound of choking as the fly finally started humping Chantal's tonsils. Her snorting just barely drowned out the cracking of the teacher's neck and joints as he slowly swiveled around and walked towards Kuro. I will not relate what happened, but I will say that Kuronue returned to homeroom that afternoon very quiet and soaking from head to toe. As a result, the school chapel is now earnestly avoided; those who are brave enough to enter report a thorough chill within their very being.

So anyways, school is over for the week and everyone returned to their respective homes, many thoughts plaguing their minds. For the sake of what must happen for the rest of my chapter, my own mother was also nowhere to be found. It had been a long week and both Kuro and I were about to go through with our own methods of relaxation. Mine involved calling up my very bestest friend Janelle Levy who 'moved' to Florida in order to go to school and further her education. The bitch. Kuro's involved getting dressed, going out and trying to get laid; Kurama of course was being 'dragged' along somehow. I was deep in conversation with Janelle about her new school when he made to leave.

"_So I have this teacher for Environmental Science called Schumacher and-"_

"Wait a second, you're teacher's name is Schumacher?"

"_Yeah."_

"Aren't you part Jewish?"

"_So you see where I'm going with this then? But its okay cuz he's fat."_

"You realize that logic is flawed beyond all explanation right?"

"_Well not really you know,"_ she began, launching into some explanation. I could hardly focus on what she was saying as a wall of pheromones hit me in the face and I leaned back in the chair to watch as Kuro adjust the collar of his shirt. Feeling my stare, as it was heated my adolescent virginity (shut up), he turned and looked at me resting on a single chair leg.

"Hey. You practicing for a circus act or something?" he asked, eyeing the wavering balance I held in the chair.

"Of the two us, you're the most likely to join the Ringling Brothers. What is that a striped polka dot shirt? I really can't believe you though; no self respecting clown would ever wear that, no matter how old and desperate one is."

"Well you'd know all about desperation, wouldn't you?"

There's really no contesting that point, so I quickly changed the topic. "Going out?"

"Yup. Going to find me a nice girl with low self-esteem and almost no self-respect and have me a good time. Coming?"

"I'll pass this time. But I thought you were interested in Aisha?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So should you really be going out, chasing tails?"

"Adrienne. Poor, innocent, naïve Adrienne," he said consolingly as he come over a squat down in front of him. Blue eyes regarded me with sympathy and more than a little bit of pity. "Liking someone and wanting to have sex with them, or another person are very separate things. You'll understand when your libido kicks into action." He clapped me on the shoulder in some kind of reassurance but instead destroyed the balance I had and sent me and the chair crashing to the floor. "So anyways I'll see you later; don't wait up." And with that he was gone. I returned my attention to the phone where Janelle was either dead or listening to the background.

"_Adrienne? Are you okay? Did you suddenly sprout balls and start talking to yourself or did you get a boyfriend?"_

"Yeah, not quite. It's…it's a _very_ long story." And so I launched into the explanation and the conversation veered to her new classmates and something called 'short jokes' – "You wanna hear a short joke: Women's Rights.". And, somewhere in the world, Kuronue and Kurama, closely stalked by Karasu, were out trying to get laid. However, one particular fire demon would have to entertain himself with his human host and a Playstation 2.

"So you've never played Dance Dance Revolution before?" Chantal asked as she sat on a colourful plastic mat in front of the console.

"Hn. Despite popular belief, I am not completely withdrawn from humanity no matter how much I would prefer it. Both the detective and the idiot seem to have relatively mastered it so you can see how I would think it being absolutely worthless." Hiei explained, looking down at her from his cross-legged position on the couch.

"So you're not even remotely curious as to whether or not you'd be better than them at something so 'absolutely worthless'."

"I don't need to prove myself; it's clearly obvious that I would be far superior to them."

"Yeah," Chantal said slowly, contemplating her next words; the man has a sword. "But if no one's ever seen you try and you've never actually done it, who's to say that you're superior?" A glimmer of surprise briefly shadowed his face as he acknowledged Chantal's words.

----Fifteen Minutes Later------

"So what difficulty setting do you want, 'light'?" Chantal asked breathlessly. After showing Hiei the basics of the game, she stood beside the mat waiting for him to claim his place.

"I am not so pathetic that I have to play at such a low level of human footwork," Hiei said, stepping onto the bright neon arrows as he shifted his sword to a more accommodating position. "Put it on 'heavy'."

"Are you sure because……um, never mind. What am I saying? I am but a lowly human before the greatness of the Jagan wielder Hiei-sama," Chantal stammered nervously under the force of Hiei's raised eyebrow. Setting the difficulty, there was a short discussion as to the choice of music before the screen changed and the bright background and vacant arrows came up; neon arrows scrolled upwards as the dance music started.

Hiei was absolutely horrendous. You could see the veins pulsing in his forehead as the in-game announcer and audience members yelled _'Loser!! Why are you even trying?!!? Everyone knows short people can't dance!! Give up you gelled haired failure!!"_ Well maybe not exactly that, but you get the point. If you've ever played DDR and lost, you really understand; those people are brutal. A low growl left his throat before he snapped at the poor girl collapsed on the couch behind him. "Set it up again."

"Hiei, it's one in the morning. If you haven't beat it by now, it's not going to happen so can I _please_ go to sleep now?"

"Pathetic human. No form of stamina or endurance within you."

"Yes, yes. I am but a pathetic human who doesn't even deserve to breathe clean air and my worthless body should be thrown by the wayside as long as it involves a god 10-hour nap."

"Since you agree your presence in this world is so pathetic, then perhaps I should just erase your existence altogether?" There came a melodious ring as his blade slowly left the sheath.

"So is _Days Go By_ by _Dirty Vegas_ okay?"

"Hn." For what felt like the millionth time, the arrows came up as the music and the background video played. And a miracle that can only be attributed to the highest powers (good for you, Koenma), Hiei hit every arrow.

"_Perfect! Perfect! Great! Awesome! Perfect! Good! Great! Awesome! Perfect! Good! You rock!"_ rang the surprised voice of the game announcer. When the song was over, Hiei stood victoriously on the mat looking down at the half asleep teenager.

"See? I told you I was better than this paltry excuse for entertainment. Now excuse me, I grow weary of these exertions." And with that, he turned and walked back to Chantal's room to claim the hammock.

'Yeah you're better than it alright. It just took 374 tries and me secretly changing the setting to Beginner's. Yeah. Go Hiei.' And with that, Chantal curled up on the floor using the mat as a blanket and the game soundtrack as a lullaby. During Hiei's ultimate 'conquering' of the game system, Yusuke and Tedi were getting to know each other a little bit better.

'This repetitive up and down motion is starting to make me a little sick,' Tedi thought from her current position. 'How long does he plan to do this?' The room was silent save for a few grunts from her exchange student. "So, Yusuke…does Keiko usually do this sort of thing for you?"

"Sometimes," grunted the youth on the ground. "But she stopped after a while, saying something like her legs started cramping up and it's hard to walk; some shit like that." Beads of sweat rolled off his forehead and dropped to the floor like miniscule suicide bombers.

"Really? I've been like this for a while and my legs feel fine."

"Well you probably have more experience than her." A distressed noise erupting from Yusuke as Tedi shifted slightly. "Do me a favor and don't move around so much, your ass is too bony for me to handle it without the cushion."

"Hey! My ass I so not bony!!" shrieked the indignant and flimsy young girl.

"Have you _seen_ your ass?"

"Well………no."

"Exactly," Yusuke said victoriously. "Alright, I think I've done enough pushups now, get off my back."

"Aww and I was having so much fun," Tedi said, disappointed that she could no longer be somebody's burden. Stepping back, she took in the full picture of Yusuke after a light workout. His bare upper body was covered with a light sheen of sweat, the rise and fall of his chest slowing as he caught his breath. His normally gelled and coiffed hair lay in disarray about his ears, several wisps heavy with sweat. Currently, he looked as if he should replace Fabio on the cover of a trashy romance novel. So it can hardly be surprising that time soon found Yusuke temporarily blinded by a bright light and Tedi uploading pictures to deviantART. And by the time Yusuke had broken down the door, wrestled Tedi to the floor (much to her enjoyment), taken the camera and leaned the door up against its frame, Kuronue opened the door and slowly walked in as if in a daze. So intense was this dreamlike state of his that I had to go and close the door behind him, throwing his shoes at him before he floated off. I mean literally floated off; his wings were delicately flapping and he was about 3 feet off the floor.

"Kuro?" I asked worriedly, if only because his knees were dangerously close to my nose. "Are you okay?"

"Me? I'm _wondrous_," he said, suddenly turning on his back and floating around me until he landed in my outstretched arms. "There was such a cornucopia of beautiful young women aching to be bent over and-"

"Did I ask for details?" I demanded of the wriggling mass I barely managed to hold against my forearms. "Why the fuck am I holding you?" I asked no one in particular as I dropped the demon to the tile. This didn't do much as he was soon on his knees and dragging me down towards his face.

"Adrienne. Smell my face."

"What?!"

"Smell. My face." He eyes were large and prominent in his face, not to mention slightly bloodshot. Extremely diluted pupils gave me the impression that if I smelt his face I'd end up on my roof bellowing _I Am The Walrus_ by The Beatles half-naked with a bottle of olive oil and bat with a hard-on circling overhead. So, to preserve the experiences I hope to have in college, I put as much distance between our faces as I could.

"Why do you need me to smell your face Kuro?"

He groaned pleasurably – who the fuck knows, it was a sound – as he curled down to pool where I knelt on the floor. "Sooooo many women. Damn that fox, the underage ones looked so ripe. Ohhh but the mature ones were nothing to scoff at." I idly pat at the head rested in my lap before his words hit my ears. Pulling him by his ponytail I brought his face up to eye-level.

"Wait, so you're saying you actually went out and got laid tonight?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!!" he yelled suddenly, his eyes wild and rimmed with several drugs and forms of alcohol.

"But what about Aisha?"

"Who?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Aisha? You know, black widow spider, your girlfriend?"

"What's a girlfriend?"

"'What's a - ' are you seriously that stupid?"

"Adrienne look!!" he said, suddenly sitting upright. His face was contorted into what would have been a serious expression with scrunched brows and tightened jaw had it not been for his lazily blinking eyes. He raised his index finger, tapping it on my nose as he made his point. "I'm not really a _relationship_ guy," he says, spitting out the word with mild resentment. "You see I have a big plan for the female population of this lovely little island here."

There was silence so I assumed he was waiting for me to ask. It was either that or he was about to vomit.

"What plan?"

"**K.O."** he says, tapping my nose as he sounds each letter.

"K.O.?" I repeated, wondering what bad grass this poor fellow got hold of. "Knockout? What does that have to do with anything? Are you planning on beating everyone over the head with a bat?"

"No stupid," he said, slapping me. I was too stunned to do anything about it. "Not K.O. literally; K.O. as in **K.O."** (A/N: Windows had a real problem with that sentence)

"Alright, you're doing that bold typeface shit again and it's not doing anything."

"**K.A.Y.O.H.!!!** Why do you not understand what I am saying!?!?"

'Because you've got more alcohol in you then an Irishman's liver?' I thought as I watched his eyeballs swim and then refocus on my forehead. "So what does **K.A.Y.O.H.** mean?"

"**K**arefully **A**nnihilating **Y**oung **O**nnas **H**oles," he explained serenely, tapping my nose again before he promptly passed out in my lap. I looked down at the peacefully sleeping demon and was abruptly faced with a very random question:

'If I was supposed to smell his face, then why did his finger smell so funny and my nose itch so intensely?' The only plausible answer came from the frumpy head resting against my knees.

"E'rybody pile on!! I am a SEXY BEAST!!!"

End Chapter 7.

_______________________________

Well, there it is. Please read and review. Tell you friends!! Tell your family!! Tell whoever!! Just go on and leave me some criticism.

Thank you for your time.


	8. End Of Term

Title: The Theory

Summary: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and to those who've added this story to their alerts/favorite story/author list; of course you _could _review but eh. By the by, check out **Teh Fez**'s story: **Diary of a Spy**; worth the read.

Before we start I'd just like to say I'm a little worried: I've been thinking that since I haven't pissed anyone off enough to flame yet, I _must_ be doing something wrong. Hm. Maybe I'm just crazy. And I proof-read this chapter so there should be no………fewer errors than before; the slight sexual content makes up or it. Oh yeah, It's my 17th birthday as I write this (July 25) so yay me.

I own nothing but a burning desire to have an industrial piercing. Seriously, it's all I've been thinking about for a while.

**Chapter 8 – End of Term**

The first term/semester of the school year was coming to a slow but steady close and all assembled characters found themselves making the kinds of bonds that a bunch of ridiculous teenagers and amazingly tolerant demons can make: bonds of insanity rooted in humourous encounters with a slight pornographic aftertaste. By now Aisha had a profound respect for the structural integrity of Kuwabara's abs, Hiei had conquered the 'Standard' mode of Dance Dance Revolution, Tedi has started obeying privacy laws – an incident with a showerhead _quickly_ put her in her place, Kuronue has come off his alcohol binge and he and Kurama, um, relieved themselves of physical frustrations several times. Fuck it, the story is mature for a reason; they went out and got laid. Not with each other; if you want to see that go find one of those fics, I'm sure they're around. But as many know, adolescence wreaks havoc on the body and said body's urges. Kurama now found himself in the same predicament as Yusuke, Kuwabara and young men worldwide. Yeah, morning wood sure can be a bitch.

Kurama sat on the floor, leaning against the closed (and locked) door of Kathryna's second floor bathroom. His mind was hounded by an abundance of explicit images (titties and ass!!) as he went about _relieving_ himself. I don't have a dick so I don't know how it works; I'm guessing there's some kind of pulling involved or something. I don't know and I'm not too sure I care to. A tired leg extended to rest against the base of the toilet as his head collided with a dull thud against the door behind him. Groaning, his eyes rolled upwards to focus on the orange glow of the bulb above him as his hand continued in its seemingly unyielding and unrelenting movement. Biting his lip, he held back what would've been a very conspicuous moan as he looked down at the pulsing, accelerating and almost frantic motions of his hand. His free hand curled against the cool tile and his legs splayed further apart on the floor as, with a slight trembling, he neared his 'destination'.

Just before he could bust his nut (lol), loud banging sounded several inches above his head; frustration and arousal were thick in the youth's voice as he responded to the insistent knocking. "Yes?"

"Get out of the bathroom!! I need to replace my hip and dentures!!" yelled the old and wizened vocal chords of Kathryna's grandmother.

"I'm…I'm kind of…busy" Kurama managed to get out, his voice gravelly from the exertion; his hand was moving much more slowly now but moving all the same.

"Well I don't give a shit so open up yellow boy!!" she yelled resuming her knocking, throwing her good hip against the doorframe for good measure. The sudden force against the unsuspecting back, forced Kurama's active hand to tighten around his active member. This sudden application of force led Kurama off and over the edge with a surprised gasp and pleasured moan. Standing, he moved on shaking legs over to the sink as he adjusted himself. The banging had changed into a multitude of curses and fantastically inappropriate phrases as Kurama went about 'cleaning up'; it was then he noticed the denture cream container. It is essential that we remember that Kurama is still Kurama, fox demon spirit and all. It is also essential that we realize that Kurama was most likely a total and complete bastard in his past life and so cannot be blamed for any/most of his actions; in any case, who really likes being interrupted when their trying to get off? Opening the door he was faced with a very red granny who brushed past the young man as she moved towards the sink, her teeth barely held in place.

"Damn immigrants……popping up, opening supermarkets and whatnot…" she grumbled removing the pair she had in. Holding the new pair of uppers in her gnarled hand, she reached for the denture cream dispenser. As she squirted a fine line among the gum base, she noticed that the usual magenta cream was now more light pink in appearance; the consistency seemed different thicker almost. Chalking the difference up to it already being a week past its expiration date, the old woman popped the row in and moved on to the bottom. Kurama watched in mild victory and disgust as neither guilt nor bad aftertaste plagued his body. Relieved, he went off to find other forms of amusement. (A/N: If you don't know what just happened, good for you.)

And so, night came and went several times until it was okay for me to convincingly say that it is now Wednesday morning. Wednesday mornings at Immaculate High, very much like midmorning on Fridays, are times designated for interclass bonding and getting to know your fellow schoolmates or some shit like that; this period is known as Long Homeroom (real original right?) and shall be abused for the frivolities of these few scenes.

As such, this period found the story's cast scattered amongst the block's homerooms and haunting the corridors. In one room, Verona, due to her 'mondo boobs', found herself the unfortunate target of Kuronue's affections as, nearby, Kurama tried explaining the basics of xylem and phloem transport to Zahra and Kuwabara.

"So the xylem and phloem system are the plant's transport units; phloem carries the food material and xylem mainly transports water and dissolved minerals," he explained, pointing to the respective systems depicted in the text before them. "Understand?" the large O dominating the lower half of both their faces was answer enough.

"So is that why when I punch a tree it squirts out a lot of fluid?" Kuwabara asked, oblivious to the 'what the fuck' look that crossed his friends' faces.

"I think that's tree sap," Kurama said slowly.

"It's more likely that the tree is crying at having to see you," Hiei said from his place behind the group.

"You got something to say to me shortstack?! (Mm pancakes)" Kuwabara yelled, grabbing the front of Hiei's robes and pulling him up to eyelevel. If the image of Hiei's feet dangling 2 feet off the ground doesn't crack you up then I don't know what will.

"I thought I had," said the dangling fire demon, his monotone belying his current altitude. "Or has your stupidity finally spread to your ear canals?"

"Now no need to fight," Kurama said hurriedly, glancing around at the gathering crowd. "Kuwabara please put Hiei down before the ideal high school instigator started yelling 'Fight! Fight!'. Smelling the stirrings of aggression and a spike in testosterone levels, Yusuke arrived shortly after to entertain himself with his friend. Looking down at his seemingly unaffected friend, Kurama watched as the miniature demon scratched at his forehead. "Hiei? Are you okay?" he asked, bending slightly to look into his face.

"Nothing. It's fine. Go away," he said shortly (pun?) as he turned and left the classroom, heading towards the bathroom.

"Are you sure?" asked the worried fox as he followed closely behind him. The bathroom door collided with his palm as he continued his mild-mannered stalking.

"I'm telling you that it's fine," Hiei snapped. Going towards the mirror, he removed his bandana. His image stared back at him seemingly in annoyance judging by the wrinkles across his forehead. A fine line became increasingly more noticeable until the line became a slit; the slit soon opened to reveal the Jagan that, against all logic, seemed to be squinting. An angry red light pulsated from the narrow opening. Sensing something was off, Kurama slowly moved closer.

"Is something wrong with the Jagan Hiei?"

"No it's just……" Hiei mutter, poking at his forehead gingerly very much like a teenager might poke at a pimple on their forehead before assaulting it with the pincer formation of the two index fingers. "I got something in my eye…"

After stifling his laughter and putting out the toilet fire, Kurama could be seen gently grasping the back of Hiei's head as he went about dropping Visine in his friend's eye. At that moment, Kuronue kicked his way into the bathroom. The abrupt entrance and racket of the door slamming against the wall startled the unsuspecting pair; Kurama's hand dropped as Hiei jolted upwards further ramming the tapered bottle into his eye.

"MotherFUCK!!" Hiei yelled as he leaned against one of the porcelain sinks, the Jagan tearing slightly.

"Um, did I interrupt something?" Kuronue asked looking from Kurama to Hiei.

"No, nothing at all," Kurama said, smiling pleasantly completely forgetting the slightly bloodied Visine bottle. "So what were you planning on doing in here with those two?" he asked, gesturing to Kuronue's load. Kuronue carried an unconscious girl in each arm. Further inspection revealed the cargo to be Verona and Zahra, the latter of which got tired of doing biology homework and went to be entertained by a certain bat demon. Instead both girls found themselves as the source of said bat's entertainment.

"Hm? Oh these old things?" he asked, looking down at his bundle to avoid Kurama's probing stare. "Nothing much really. Didn't even realize I'd had them until just now. I'll get rid of them," he said, laughing nervously as he unceremoniously dumped them in a nearby stall. "So what were the two of you doing in here anyways, because it looked like you were going to start making out."

"Hiei had something in his eye," Kurama explained, ignoring the sound of breaking porcelain. Before Kuronue could ask which eye – because those details are important – Hiei stormed by, grabbing the Visine bottle from Kurama's hand, all the while mumbling about 'stupid bats' and 'uncoordinated foxes'. A pregnant pause permeated the bathroom as the remaining demons stood regarding one another; a snort and the popping of a drool bubble from the girls broke the silence.

"So what's the deal between the two of you anyways?" Kuronue asked suspicion thick in his voice.

"Why?" Kurama asked, a roguish smirk crossing his features. "Are you jealous?"

"This isn't one of those stories goddammit!!" he yelled as he followed his laughing friend out of the bathroom.

The bottom of the hour – or bottom of the period rather – found Kathryna and Chantal trying to explain to Yusuke and Laura why Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter aren't better than Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts. (A/N: I love me some RPGs; never finished one though…) while I sat in a relatively quiet corner trying to finish homework as Aisha talked into the side of my head.

"Listen," Chantal said seriously. "I'm as much an advocate for mindless violence as the next person, but there's something about violence and adventure that makes it so much better!"

"Well fighting games have Story Modes!! And then there's the whole back-story of the characters that come with the game," Laura rationalized.

"Back-story? You mean that paragraph of fine print?" Kathryna said, incredulity making her 'fro curl even more. "Compared to the character development in RPGs, that paragraph is just sad and pathetic."

"Fuck 'character development', give me a severed limb and I am a happy man!" Yusuke said from his seat.

"Oh shut up. What do you know about 'character development'?" Kathryna said as she shoved his feet off her table.

"Well only what any other epic lead character knows," Yusuke replied looking _quite_ insulted. It didn't help that the ensuing response was a round of snorting from _everybody_ within earshot. "What?! I developed as a character!!"

"Well…yes, that is the general belief by all/most fans," Chantal began gently. "But after dying in the first episode there's really nowhere else to go but up."

"I was saving a little kid!!" he yelled indignantly.

"Tsk, details," she said waving off his comment as if it were an irritating insect.

"Too true," Laura commented. "Although all the characters in the anime had people going 'what the fuck?' at one point."

"Oh yeah. Like that time with Kaito when Hiei said 'hot'," Kathryna said, adding her two cents. "Fans worldwide were probably screaming 'YOU FOOLISH FOOL!!!!' at the screen."

"'You foolish fool'? How does that make sense?"

"Well what is she going to say: 'you stupid fool'?" Chantal explained.

"Yeah, what do you take me for?" Kathryna said the affront to her character evident upon her face.

"Weren't we talking about video games or something?" Laura asked in slight confusion, bringing the bickering to a screeching halt. Several moments passed as everyone involved in the tiff brought their minds back to the pressing issue at hand; Urameshi was the first to recover.

"Big breasts make video games _so_ much more worth it."

And the fighting resumed with a feminist bang. But seriously, video game breasts are just…they're something else.

I heard all of this with half an ear as I struggled to divide my focus in favour of the math homework from Satan – A.K.A. Mrs. Robinson – and Aisha's perennial line of questioning.

''If one man leaves on foot and walks downtown to the bank in half an hour and another man makes the same journey by car in twice the time, what is the probability that they will be behind each other in the same line at the bank?' What the fuck? What the hell? Who the fuck comes up with a question like that in the first place?' I thought, looking up and gazing around wildly as if the fiend that wrote the question would present themselves. 'What kind of variables are these?! Who cares if they end up in the same line? If you have to go down to the bank in the first place, you probably aren't having that great of a day. And since when is there a bank in downtown?! Fuck this, what's the next question?!?' Delved deeply in my thoughts, I just barely heard Aisha's questions.

"So has Kuro said anything about me?"

"WHO PUTS LETTERS IN MATH!?!? – Huh? Oh, you were saying something? Kuro? Yeah he hasn't said anything about you."

"Oh," she said, disappointment evident in her voice and body as she slumped into her seat. "Well do you have a number for him?"

"Well he's living with me so logic goes to say that if you have my number then you'd have his," I said as I flipped through pages of math homework grumbling. "Of course logic doesn't seem to apply to the curriculum. 'An animal has 12 appendages and - ' wait, what? '12 appendages'? What the fuck kind of Mutant Ninja Turtles animals are in this problem?!"

"Well I don't really like you so there's no reason for me to have your phone number is there?" I should tell you, it takes quite a bit of effort to not bitch-slap someone with a stack of irrational mathematics but somehow I pulled it off. "So have you heard anything? Like if he's cheating on me or something?"

"'…or something?'" I said, staring determinedly at the tip of my pen.

"So you _do_ know something!"

"Um. No?" silence hung in the air between us; I could feel her gaze boring into my temple as I shot her wary sidelong glances. Finally, she stood up and began to move away. Before leaving completely she turned and faced me once more.

"Fine. I'll believe you for now. But if I find out anything, _**anything**_ the _both_ of you are going down." And with that she stalked off like some angry priestess. Angry, hormonal teenage girl would have been a better metaphor but eh, just go with it. I couldn't concentrate on that particular promise so I returned my attention to the task at hand that promised, in its own way, a unique set of horrors. Eventually the bell rang and the rigmarole that is called school fully began. Students shuffled from class to class, lunch came and went uneventfully and soon the day was coming to a close. As the announcements were set to begin, something struck Yusuke as odd.

"Has anyone seen Zahra or Verona all day?" he asked Laura, leaning towards so that he wouldn't have to yell.

"Mm, no I don't think so, why?"

"Just wondering. They walked off with that bat demon earlier today."

"You don't think he did anything do you?" Laura asked, worried about her buxom buddies.

"Nah, this fic is just pure mindless humour, I doubt there's going to be any actual violence anyways," Yusuke said as he somehow managed to recline in the chair. "In any case she said she's keeping all the character development for some other fics: a romantic comedy called 'Gunslinger Girl' where Kurama falls for a leader of the second most powerful yakuza sect in Japan or 'The Perfect Story' where an author tries to write the perfect fanfic."

"I like the first idea," Laura mused. "But she needs you, the readers who've stayed on for the ride to give her some feedback in the review or by private message about the story you want to see."

Dot…freaking…dot…

And so the day ended with story ideas being plugged, me being threatened, Tedi completely forgotten from the story and Verona and Zahra taken home by the janitor and subjected all kinds of things that make for a hell of a psychiatrist's bill.

______________

And so it came to pass that we were in the last two weeks before Christmas break. Anticipation of academic freedom was thick in the air as well as parental fear as report cards would be coming out next week. This led the teachers to become very irate at the fact that the students had not told them they weren't teaching. Whoops. As it were, amongst all the teenage-y emotional goodness, love and romance – or the mockery I will make of it because everyone needs a turn– had found a way to bloom. And so it was that Kuronue found himself approached by Yuuki Miyamori, the character I had claimed…shut up.

"So Yuuki was it?" Kuronue asked as he looked down at the boy. "Is there something you need?"

"Well…" he said slowly, shuffling his feet. "It's about your friend Adrienne."

"Hm? Oh no, did she steal your lunch money kid? You want me to go beat her up for you?" he asked sympathetically.

"What?! No, it's nothing like that!"

"Oh. Then what, you like her or something?"

Silence bloomed slowly as somewhere in the world a red dragonfly flits from a young priestess' nose and descends upon a water lily caught in a cycle of its own demise, ephemeral in its realistic beauty. Elsewhere, Kuronue was trying to pick his convulsing body off the floor, the force of his laughter shaking the door from his back.

"Adrienne?! Really? Alright, you're obviously suffering from heat stroke," said the bat as he led the young boy by the shoulder. "Let's introduce you to some nice young ladies who are more likely to actually behave as their genitalia bids them to do."

"No," he said, stopping as he lifted Kuro's hand from his shoulder. "I'm not you, where I need to go around humping everything."

"Does _everybody_ know what happened?" Kuronue wailed despairingly…sort of.

"Well yeah, it was in the story newsletter," Yuuki said pulling a blue folded pamphlet from his back pocket and handing it to the demon; emblazoned across the front was the caption 'KURO'S A MANWHORE!!'

'Of course, this makes perfect sense. The characters in the story get newsletters. Lovely.'

"Um, right. So I was wondering if you could put in a good word for me?" Yuuki asked, bringing the conversation back to the issue at hand.

"Huh? Oh yeah. Well if you're really serious you can just go ask her yourself."

"I guess you have a point there. Well thanks!" he said as he walked down the corridor.

'Yeah well, just don't be surprised if she's dead before you can ask her out,' Kuronue thought, flipping idly through the newsletter. 'What the hell? Manwhore Kuro shaves his legs, pubic hair, underarms and face with the same razor?! Why would I shave my pits, that's just a waste of time; tsk silly girl.' And this is how I went on my first date with my arms shaved and a bump on my head.

Correction, _two_ bumps. Yeah, mother dearest wasn't too happy about the physics grades and let me tell you, gravity does not apply to this woman.

It was through these events and my own laziness and lack of ideas for this chapter that found us at the end of the last day of school for this term. Per Immaculate Conception High School protocol, the whole school was once again gathered for assembly before we were sent on about our merry way (X-Mas pun) to buy and receive crap we probably won't like or use. Best. Holiday. Evar. Sister Margaret Young stood before the assembled staff and students, Karasu onstage behind her. His hair floating away from his head the way it always does…in escape maybe but eh. The air was only mildly warm in comparison to the term's beginning sun orgy and there was a light breeze flowing through the air. However the close proximity of 1500+ bodies gathered into an open space worked against fresh oxygen and acute asthmatics.

"I hope that you have all had a wonderful first term," Sister chirped over the hum over the industrial-sized fan sending her headpiece fluttering about her head. "And I hope that you have made the transfer students feel quite welcome." At this statement a third of the female population turned to leer suggestively at Kuronue, Aisha turned to glare and said promiscuous bat demon took sudden interest in the back of Kurama's head because, let's face it, we've no idea what's hiding in there.

"Now as you all know, we have had a temporary chemistry teacher with us this term, Mr. Karasu. So did you all learn something?" Students took a sudden interest in the surrounding shrubbery, not because it was once flowing with Spirit Energy and pretty boy rage but because they'd rather look anywhere else than at their substitute 'teacher'. All he'd done the whole term was molest people in class. And during lunch. And on the corridors. And in the bathroom. And no one dared report him because the first and last person self-righteous enough to want to be molested and tried to report him ended up with bleached hair and walking with a cane for the rest of his life; it's hella funny to see him try and sit down though. The silence so loud you'd think you were at a rave for deaf people called to be broken. And so, as Karasu stepped from the background, his shoes coming into light, the students were struck with such insatiable fear that they could only scream wordlessly. Well except Hiei. He was busy scratching at his forehead again; his contact was slipping around. It helps to focus the evil.

"Well I see you're all so enthusiastic about Mr. Karasu," Sister said, interpreting the screams as cheers. "Such a shame he has to leave as the indecent exposure charges were dropped and both teachers have finished with their drug tests," she concluded to more screams and bawling cries to the heavens in joy. "However we will be receiving a new tennis coach next term as the current one suffered a horrible freak accident of inhaling a tennis ball and his vasectomy being performed with a racket; the surgeon was very unskilled. Understandably, the sport has traumatized him until further notice. And on that final word, I dismiss you," she said with an unmistakable note of finality. And like Pavlov's dogs we arose, sniffing at the air filled with the scent of freedom regardless of how brief and fleeting it may be. Ignoring various ass-sweat stains on the ground (the largest of which belonging to an upperclassman who moonlights as a jeans model) and stretched glad to have this thing over with until next year. And, like Pavlov's dogs, we soon realized that we were being fucked with.

"Oh and one more thing," said the sadistic nun precisely as the clock struck noon and the sun was highest in the sky, optimal position to drop trou' and squeeze out an ass-baby. "Please remember that as of next term, the male population at this school will greatly increase. So basically it's going to be a regular ol' cockfest up in dis piece!" she concluded to one unanimous thought from the student body of 'What the fuck?!' "So off you go!"

And with that we flew from the patio like a bat out of hell or a bat out of a freezer, whichever and soon arrived at Kathryna's house to demolish it with 'M'-Rated party going. Seated between Kuronue and Kuwabara, I found myself watching Yusuke repeatedly trump Hiei at Dance Dance Revolution which, as you can imagine, did not sit well with the little fire demon.

"You!! Mushroom-haired woman!! Why am I sucking at this now?!" he demanded of the fungus-haired young woman whom we have known up to this point as Chantal. "What explanation do you have for this?"

"The sky is so pretty this time of night," she commented dreamily as she left the room a mach speed, a fireball trailing after her. (Go Speed Racer, Go!!)

Kurama watched the goings on as he tried to explain to Verona and Tedi why he could not in good conscience grow and sell them weed; although he can put his come into an old woman's denture cream but ah well, whatever keeps you going. "What would you even want with it anyways?"

"Well what do you think?" Tedi asked.

"Yeah and they call you the 'smart one'," Verona stated as she tried reaching up into his head and the assumed eternal store of shit that lies within.

"I'm sure you can find some here, you don't need me," Kurama said, not helping the stereotype that all Jamaicans smoke weed. We don't. Seriously. There's quite a bit who do, but the rest of us don't; we smoke crack. I'm joking, most of us don't smoke. Seriously. I have asthma. And I will die. Elsewhere, Aisha was deeply engaged in a riveting conversation with Laura, Kathryna and Zahra about Kuro's supposed (HA.) infidelity/infidelities/orgies.

"So have any of you heard anything because the THE THEORY Newsletter I got seemed different."

"Different how?" Zahra asked as she protected her Cheetos from Laura's reaching grasp.

"'The whole front page was coloured in black Sharpie' kind of different."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Laura said as she managed to steal several curls of cheesy goodness. "You're probably being paranoid. Have you heard anything?"

"No, nobody's told me anything although Adrienne seemed kind of suspicious," Aisha said, glancing over to look at Kuro as she nervously bit at her thumb nail.

"Well Adrienne's always suspicious, it's part of her charm," Kathryna said. "In any case," she grunted as she opened a bottle of…something potable, "Kuronue seems like a decent guy. I'm sure if anything happened he'd tell you."

"Kathryna why don't you leave the conversation to people who've actually had a boyfriend?" she snapped miserably. Kathryna, with a very large bottle in her hand realizes that she's just upset and paranoid about her relationship and so cannot be held accountable for her words and actions. However that did not make it any easier to not bend her over the table and give her a cider enema.

I strummed the guitar I'd found on Kathryna's couch as Kuwabara and Kuronue shared a bowl of chips and salsa resting on top of my head.

"I think I'm going to break up with Aisha -" Kuro managed to get out before he was deepthroating the neck of the guitar. Kuwabara managed to restrain me to the seat and preserve his nachos. "What the fuck is wrong with you!?!" Kuronue demanded, dislodging a peg that found its way through his cheek.

"You is what's wrong with me you selfish asshole," I whispered harshly, trying hard to not be heard. "All you think about is yourself! Did you ever stop to think how this might affect me!?"

"How the hell are you involved in this?!"

"Because not only is she going to totally fuck you over, I'm going down as well just by association and I didn't want to be in that kind of position until I got married!! So _please_, just do me a solid and don't break up with her!"

"I can't," he said, frowning sadly. "I don't want to hurt her."

"So you're choosing with your mind over your dick?" I asked in utter disbelief.

"Hey, I'm not that bad."

"Well can you blame people for speculating?" Kuwabara said, leaning to better access the seemingly bottomless bowl. "You go around humping everything in sight and then you don't even have the balls to tell your girl; you're the lowest," he said, his words forming visible arrows, stabbing Kuro in the back. "A coward who can't even face his girlfriend and the relationship he's wrecked. It's guys like you that give real men a bad name. Are those Tostitos?"

"Wow. Go Kuwabara." Looking down at the forlorn bat demon with arrows sticking out of his back, I felt a pang of sympathy. Or maybe it was the pang of the B string as I refit it to the instrument. Whichever.

"Fine. I'll fix the relationship," he said sighing. "We've really come a long way haven't we?"

"Yup. And it's all thanks to the awesome readers."

"But they're going to start getting upset," Kuwabara said as he munched thoughtfully on a chip.

"He's right, you've got some glaring plot holes all throughout the story," Kuronue said as he too indulged in the salty goodness of the nacho chip.

"Really? What happened? Where? Tell me so I can explain to the readers," I said frantically.

"Well firstly: how is that I as a human can't get back through the portal?" Kuwabara mused. "I can understand that bat guy over there and Yusuke and the rest of the group, I can even understand Koenma since he's 'awesome', but why not me?"

"Hmm. Good question. Well that's because you weren't supposed to be in Spirit World in the first place; you're not dead although some Kuwabara-bashers may say you're brain dead but that's just moot. Well since you're not dead Spirit World rejecting your body through the portal," I explained.

"Seems like a pretty flimsy explanation to me," Kuronue said, busting out a jar of cheese. Who keeps a jar of cheese on them? "It would've just been easier to say that the portal wasn't in Spirit World in the first place."

"Oh yeah…"

"And another thing," Kuwabara began once more. "How is it that Karasu is here?"

"I don't get you."

"Well he's as much demon as the rest of them," he said waving a hand at Kurama and Hiei who had returned to burn the DDR mat, game and memory card into oblivion, "So how is it that he's here and then he's able to leave? And you can't say that it's because he was dead and the wavelength of his Spirit Energy and Soul are different because then Kuronue shouldn't even be in the story."

"Oh…um, well…hm. Magic?"

"The readers won't like that," Kuro said, taking great joy in my apparent discomfort.

"Well I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry readers, theirs is no explanation and I'm pretty sure that besides that there aren't anymore."

"I have one!!" Kuro exclaimed victoriously, cheese and salsa running onto his fingers. "If we're all so aware that we're in a story then shouldn't Aisha know I cheated on her by scrolling through the dialogue box?"

"You _want_ her to know you cheated?" I ask incredulously, the bowl leaning against my ear as I turned to look at him. "Because I can tell her right now."

"Oh look, actual pepper grains in the salsa, that's a nice touch."

"Yeah, I thought so."

"But there is another problem," Kuwabara said a third time. "What about all this mindless humour? Don't you think the readers are going to start getting annoyed that you're not seeing real in-depth character development within the story? Also the late updates; people might start to lose hope."

"I can explain that: with so many fics that aren't quite…well not bad but not quite good either, I just thought there needed to be some reprieve that was long and, more often than not, painfully ridiculous. I'm saving all the character development for the two story ideas mentioned earlier. But for now, I need to get rid of all…most of the nonsense flitting around in my head. And I am SO sorry about the gap between updates; I'm a bum."

"Well I guess fanfic readers are understanding; they haven't flamed you yet," Kuronue contributed.

"So what's on for next chapter/term?" Kuwabara asked, righting the bowl on my head to refill it.

"We'll all find out when I write it. What, you people think this is all thought out? Tsk, shame." I resumed the strumming, mind free of 'plot hole' worry.

End Chapter 8.

________________________

Please review!! And if there are anymore 'plot' problems feel free to say in the review as well as how you feel about the story ideas. You know, since I've been writing this the amount of noise from my kitchen has increased. Weird, right? Ah well.

Thanks so much. Oh and I lied. I was too lazy to proofread. Is it obvious?


	9. Fan Club

Title: The Theory

Summary: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?

I've no idea how long it's been since I've updated; I'm kind of afraid to check actually but I can only thank those of you out there that have been _patiently_ (or maybe not so patiently) waiting for this. So wipe the dust off your alerts, get comfortable because the madness has returned! It's a new fictional term and we're going to bring in some bad-ass new characters, some strange scenarios and loads of sexual deviancy. So welcome, one and all, old and new, to **THE THEORY**.

Also, special thanks to the review from **ShadowYashi** which somehow got my ass in gear. Thanks bunches.

Rated for lots of creative cursing and possible scenarios.

I own my afro.

**Chapter 9 – Fan Club**

It was January. The New Year came bright and early to the cast of this fic and all involved were reveled in the refreshing cool breeze that the winter winds from the north had brought. It was the weekend before we all finally returned to what would be a coeducational Immaculate Conception High School. All were a flutter, either with the prospects of getting a boyfriend, or at the load of homework that they had left undone over the Christmas holidays. Somehow, using my awesome authoress powers, I was not in either of those categories. Instead I found myself wasting away those last few days of unstructured freedom, waking when I wanted, seeing if I could beat Kuronue in a 'not showering' contest (_no one_ wins in those contests) and having my fill of RPG's, brown sugar cinnamon poptarts, colon cleansing tablets and acne wash; because nothing says constipation and breakouts like the holidays. It was in the hopes of getting some fruit (no, not strawberry poptarts) that I found myself in my remodeled kitchen, staring blankly at Yomi's head wriggling uncomfortably out of my toaster oven. So I did what any normal and rational person in this situation would have done.

I took the vacuum cleaner and gently proceeded to ram him back into the appliance. Ignoring the shouts from the disembodied head of the blind man – well it was probably attached to a body but I wasn't interested in letting the rest come from my toaster oven – I continued to stab vigorously at the head until I could shut the glass door and push the lever, cooking Yomi's head on High for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown.

Serves 6.

I stood there sighing in some relief that I'd prevented yet another anime character from invading my life. Don't get me wrong, I love anime as much as the next person but they're really inconvenient to real life; like you haven't found yourself watching anime for hours on end and then you find you've left the stove on, or the cat in the dryer or your kid sister playing with the radioactive radium. Yeah, exactly. Anyways, I would've stayed there watching one side of the ex-Makai King's head toast – my toaster didn't come with a fancy rotisserie setting since, I dunno, it's a fucking toaster – if Kuronue hadn't come to investigate the delicious aroma of meat. With one swift motion, he'd lowered the oven lid, yanked Yomi out of the toaster and prevented me from dousing him in cooking sherry and lighting him afire.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Kuronue exclaimed as he held Yomi over the sink to cool his face.

"Nothing," I said calmly. "Why? Did something happen?"

"'Did something happen?'" Yomi burbled from beneath the water's steady stream. "'Did something happen?' Does this not look as if something has occurred?" he roared turning to face me, half his face vivid with anger the other half closely resembling the makings of a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Looks like lunch." Well apparently that was the wrong thing to say as Yomi immediately lunged after me just barely restrained by Kuronue.

"Whoa there big guy, no need to try and kill her. See she's just a sad little human girl. Doesn't know what she's saying," Kuronue said trying to pacify the irate demon king. Hardly concerned for my neck, I found myself thinking 'All I wanted was a damn poptart.'

An hour and a half had passed before Koenma and Botan presented themselves from the ice dispenser to explain Yomi's presence.

"He's the school's new tennis teacher."

"What?" Kuronue and I chimed in disbelief.

"You heard me," Koenma said, bouncing in his diaper.

"But he's…_blind,_" I said, too stunned to take in the situation. By this time Kuronue was incapacitated by his laughter.

"I will have you know that I was quite skilled at such types of games as a youth," Yomi remarked smoothly, removing the golden brown crisp of his face. An image of baby Yomi using a stick to bounce skulls at adoring and cooing parents flashed across everyone's vision.

"Well that's just adorable," Kuronue said, having recovered from his laughing fit.

"Yes, cute as long it's not staying here. It's not staying here is it?" I asked urgently, turning to face the Spirit World duo.

"Heavens no!" Botan exclaimed. "He'll be living with Karasu."

"And where, pray tell, does Karasu live?"

"Only pixie knows where!" Botan chirped happily leaving everyone wondering about the oxygen levels in Spirit World. (a/n: credit to **Washio the Space Demon** for that line). And with that, Botan, Koenma and Yomi went off to find pixie and wherever it might be keeping Karasu leaving Kuronue and I alone at the dining table.

"So called your girlfriend since last year?" I asked.

"Dammit, there you go ruining the mood!" he exclaimed in annoyance.

"Well if you call asking about your girlfriend 'ruining the mood' then I apologize. I wish you the best of luck when you see her on Monday," I said, getting to go get some fruit. Okay, a fruity poptart.

"NO!" he yelled grabbing on to arm and staring intensely up into my face. "I need help! Please! She keeps calling! There've been strange messages on my cell phone. At the Christmas party I could feel her eyes following me and when I turned around to try and talk to her she was emitting this aura of inevitable doom! Or herpes. Whichever. But I told Kurama and all he does is laugh at me so _please_! We both know I wouldn't be asking you if I had another choice!"

"Glad to see you have such a high opinion of me," I said dryly. I would have kept trying to pry the demon off me with the cleaver had it not been for the pathetically begging face staring at me. "Fine!" I said, dropping the blade into the sink. "But you have to do _exactly_ as I say, do you understand?"

"Yes of course," Kuronue said, nodding vigorously. And so we sat, contemplating and plotting how we would save his genitals from eternal castration. Damnation. Whatever.

And so the rest of the weekend slipped away from us all with the rapidity that can only be attributed to the end of holidays leaving the assorted members of the story in newly assigned homerooms. The school compound was filled with the voices of thousands of students chattering, running screaming down corridors to meet friends and the confused grumblings of those trying to find their new homerooms. Our cast of miscreants had quickly and easily located their homerooms and was now lined up along the railings in the hallway watching the meat –fresh and returning- scamper around. Aisha, Tedi and Zahra watched the parade of newly introduced young men into the previously all-femme student population, marveling at their prowess to help them birth babies or whatever it is hormonally driven teenager found themselves doing while those with less self-control stalked them from place to place. I, along with Kathryna and Chantal found myself involved in an in-depth conversation about _DramaCon_ (wonderful manga by Svetlana Chmakova; check her and her works out), not the least bit affected by Kuronue's visual feasting on the female students. This was not lost on Aisha who sent a glare of such power in his direction that, if he were a lesser demon, would have shriveled his genitals into powder. But since he was just a lesser man, all he did was cower and look the other way, adding immense humour to Kurama's day.

"Relationship trouble?" the fox asked, his 'compassion' being met with a scathing glance. However, the bat demon's stare lost its ferocity once reminded of his current dilemma. His head fell to his hands as he sunk to ground and related to his oldest friend his troubles.

"I don't know what to do Red," He said with a heavy sigh. "It's like she loves me or something. I mean we haven't even had sex; what does she expect from me?"

"Hmmm," Kurama intoned thoughtfully. "I can't remember the last time someone called me Red."

"Is that really the issue right now?" Kuronue exclaimed, his flaming annoyance adding to Kurama's hilarity.

"My apologies. The biggest mistake you made," he said, returning to the problem at hand, "Was treating her like you did Makai women."

"You mean human girls don't like being teased and pulled along before I take advantage of them and then run off to unknown lands without even leaving a post-it note?"(I'm sure Makai has an Office Depot) Kuronue asked, looking up at Kurama with an endearingly pathetic face. You know those faces where you feel sorry for the person but at the same time you want to just punch them in the face? Yeah. One of those.

"Yes, human girls tend to want respect in their relationships. Actually demon girls do as well but we were too busy being awesome to pay much attention really."

"Oh. Well. Hmmm. So can I just break up with her because this respect thing seems like a lot of work…"

Kurama's answer was drowned out by the loud clamor of the school bell, corralling the students to the large school patio where they would convene for the first assembly of the new school term. Being January, the typically oppressive heat of the Jamaican climate was gone for a while, and the day had dawned cool and breezy, the sun's warmth comfortable on the back of our necks. I found myself seated between Kurama and Kuwabara while Kuronue had taken up residence beside Yusuke and Chantal who were engaged in an intense rock, paper, scissors games. Seriously. There were sparks flying off them. Aisha, popular child as she was, had wandered off to greet other friends and was nowhere to be found. Kathryna stood off to the side of the stage having played with the school's chamber orchestra to welcome back the school. The principal now took the stage, mic in hand, and addressed her loyal subjects. Slaves. Students. Whichever.

"Welcome back for a new school term!" Sister Margaret Young exclaimed into the mic. "I'm sure you're all excited to be here after what I hope was a very happy and fulfilling Christmas and New Year's holiday. We have some new additions to the school this year: we have officially become a coeducational institution." This comment resulted in the release of pheromones in the patio as some of the girls turned to eye-fuck their prey. "We also have some new additions to the staff, if I may introduce Mr. Yummy?" she said, hesitating over the pronunciation. "Yummers? Yom Kippur? Om Nom Nom? Hmm…Mr. Yummy it is! Well, Mr. Yummy is going to be the new P.E. teacher and tennis coach for his stay here as our previous coach had an unfortunate S&M incident. Just to show you kids; always know your safety words." (Please remember this is a Catholic school, this woman is a nun and I may go to hell for this…) "Mr. Yummy if you could please come out here and say a few words to the students."

The students looked on in awe as the tall, stoic figure of their new teacher walked onstage and took the mic to properly introduce himself.

"Good morning students. My name is Yomi and I shall be your new physical education teacher. I can see some of my old acquaintances are here judging from the loud yelling taking place in the assembly. Hello Yusuke, it's good to see you again. Kurama, looking well I see."

Indeed, the group was quite astonished to see Yomi there and even more appalled by the author's shameful joking about Yomi seeing people; I still think it's hilarious. Yusuke had gotten up and was pointing and rambling loudly while Hiei acknowledged his arrival with a brief widening of his eyes. Kurama, for all intents and purposes, was beyond stunned and stared slack-jawed up at his former colleague; both Kuronue and Kuwabara stared in confusion at this newcomer.

"Who's he to you? What relationship do you two have" Kuronue pestered the still stunned redhead like a jealous housewife.

"Oh he…he was before your time," Kurama replied, dismissing the topic altogether.

"The fuck are you doing here?" Yusuke exclaimed loudly. "The fuck is he doing here?" he yelled, turning to look at me, his finger all the while pointing at the once demon king.

I shrugged and mumbled something about 'toaster oven'. It was _way_ too early in the morning for me to be trying to explain my household appliances.

Yomi spoke again, drawing attention back to the stage and he and his 6 ears and horned head which _nobody_ bothers to question for some reason. "I look forward to our upcoming school term together. Thank you." There were a few other announcements – 'new chemistry teacher who won't rape the students, lunch prices have been raised, don't pet the giant rats, etc' – and soon enough, assembly was over and we were off to get our supplies and bumble about to find our classes.

This would be the part where I write about how fantastically amazing the first day of classes were, but in fact they were quite ordinary, with class introductions and going over what would be done for the rest of the school year. Lunchtime came and passed quickly with nothing worth noting occurring. Well Yusuke almost got attacked by a rat the size of a cat (a crat if you will) and flipped a shit, but that's just high school for you. Afternoon classes were equally boring and the group had a severe case of 'the Mondays' that is, complete apathy for the entire day and they were all severely overjoyed when the last class had finished and they shuffled back to their holding cells/homerooms. Well except Hiei who is only severely overjoyed about being able to eat ice cream while Kuwabara is flame broiled over a spit which has yet to happen, much to the koorime's chagrin.

Kuronue was intensely checking his class locker and so had not heard anyone walking up behind him. "_What are all these papers in here?"_ he thought to himself. _"It's the first day and already I'm being annoyed with club flyers. What's this, 'The Official Fan Club for-"_

"What are you doing?"

Kuronue spun around violently, his back slamming against his locker sending the multitude of papers rushing into the air. He quickly snatched them from the air as he faced Aisha. "Oh hey you," he said with an uncharacteristic nervous giggle. "What's up?"

"Listen I think we should break up."

It took the bat demon sometime to hear her words and realize she was trying to break up with him, because _obviously_ those words had some other meaning.

"Um…whut?" he asked stupidly.

"Yeah you know I just don't think it's working out between us," she said, twirling a lock of hair around her forefinger and she scoped out the other boys in the room. "I need someone to respect me, and pay attention to me all the time and call me every day and buy me stuff."

"So…you want a bitch?" Kuronue asked, his voice laced with disbelief.

"Yeah and you're just not willing to go the extra mile for our relationship like I have been."

"Uh-huh…"

"So, that's it," she concluded with a note of finality, finally looking away from the boys in the class to face him. "I mean we had fun, I guess but I think we should each pursue greener pastures."

"If your cunt weren't so green we might've worked out better."

"Excuse me?"

The words left his mouth before he could help himself and he'd hoped that she hadn't heard him but the enrage look on the woman's face and the laughter rippling through those who'd been eavesdropping told him otherwise. _"Might as well keep going,"_ he thought. _"This can't _possibly_ get any worse."_ Obviously he doesn't realize who's writing this because it can always get worse with me.

"Yeah. Green. And not just the smell either. I mean there was no point in you pretending you were some sort of innocent the whole time you were together; all you are is a tease and not a very good one at that because it's not like you even know what you're doing." Kuronue is quite clearly a stand-up guy when he feels offended. "So yeah you're right it's probably for the best that we break up. 'Greener pastures' and all that." No one was the least bit surprised when she slapped him and stormed out of the class, returning shamefaced to her own homeroom. Kuronue turned to face the approving male population of the classroom and the reproachful glances of the girls who weren't focusing on the fact that he was now single again. It was one of the latter females that he sidled up to, his face still red and steaming from the slap, and started plying his charm. "How you doin'?"

Afternoon announcements were read and finally we were free to leave. Hiei was moving quickly away from the group, heading towards the basement.

"Hey Hiei, where are you going off to?" Chantal asked.

"Not to your _stupid_ party for _stupid_ people if that's what you're asking!" Hiei exclaimed. (1)

"What…the fuck?" Yusuke asked because obviously his only role in this chapter is to say fuck and to say it well.

"Maybe it's just one of those short people things," Kuwabara commented, effectively pissing off every short person everywhere.

"Oh that reminds me I have some meeting to go to so I'm walking home today," Kuronue said turning to me.

"What meeting could you have on the first day back?" Kathryna asked.

"Some club or something. I'm not sure what it's about but the font looked cool so I might as well check it out."(which is how all great decisions are made really) And with that he turned and walked off in the same direction as Hiei. Kurama felt a strange emotion make its presence known as he watched both one close friend walk off and then the other. He quickly pushed the thought to the back of his consciousness where Youko lay napping like a cute little furry and went on about the rest of the day.

-Elsewhere!-

Kuronue entered the room as specified on the flyer – one of the basement science labs that the school typically reserved for upperclassmen- and was surprised by the people gathered in the room. Seated on the lab stools in a circle were Yomi, Karasu (having returned from pixie knows where) and Hiei. Scrawled on the board in bright red dry erase marker was "The Official Fan-Club for the Redheaded Fox". Before he could back out of the room, slowly in case any sudden movements caught their attention, Yomi appeared (because he does that) in front of him and clasped a hand on his shoulder steering him into the room and onto a stool.

"It's good to see you Kuronue," he said warmly, looking at the bat demon friendly. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Uh-huh…" he replied, very confused about his current situation. "So this is a fan club?"

"Yes."

"For Kurama?"

"Yes."

"And it's made up of four guys?"

"Yes."

"Yeah…I'm gonna have to rule 'gay' on this one."

Yomi and Hiei visibly bristled at this insinuation of their sexual preferences; Karasu on the other hand…well there was never really any doubt about which team he was batting for, whose poles he was cleaning, etc. "This is not a fan club in the sense of worshipping Kurama," Yomi said, explaining the group's purpose. "Rather, it is to serve the purpose of bringing together those who have been closest to him and promote camaraderie amongst ourselves."

"Right…" Kuronue said slowly, still very unconvinced he wasn't going to get surprise buttsecks-ed. Turning to an obviously annoyed Hiei he asked, "And how did you end up here?"

"I was told there would be ice cream," he said with a huff.

"Okay. Well I'm not entirely sure what kind of friendship you expect to build here since none of us have anything in common."

"That is where you are wrong," Yomi said. Pulling a small remote form his sleeve, he pressed a button lowering a screen and projector from the ceiling. The projector depicted a slideshow filled with many charts to conveniently show Kuronue just how wrong he was. Karasu threw a well-aimed bomb at the light switch, plunging the room into darkness. Using an extendable pointer, Yomi proceeded to reference the slides.

"Here you will see some of the physical characteristics that we all share. 1. Each of is tall. 2. Each of us has long black hair that gently sways in the wind. 3. Each of us has been injured as a result of or by some association with the fox. 4. At least one of us would like to sexually violate the fox."

As each of these was being listed, Hiei was growing visibly more agitated. It didn't help when Kuronue decided to start whistling 'one of these things is not like the other' at which point the screen promptly burst into flames; however, the projector's charts could still be seen on the whiteboard.

"Ahem, well obviously Hiei you are the inverse of most of these things," he said and proceeded to list Hiei's shortcomings (lol punny). "1. You are short. 2. Your hair grows upwards into a point and does not sway, nor bend, nor move," he said, deigning to poke it with the pointer. He was a Makai King. He's allowed such privileges. "3. You actually stabbed Kurama through the chest."

"What? When was this?" Kuronue asked, outraged and in disbelief that his friend had been wounded by a flaming chipmunk.

"Hn. It was a long time ago and I was trying to protect something I'd stolen," Hiei said.

"And what about the sexually violate one?" Kuronue asked, sincerely hoping that the fire apparition would side with him and Yomi somewhere far, far, _far_ away from Karasu's explosive touch.

"…I didn't know there was grain alcohol in the ice cream."

"Oh. My. God." Yomi and Kuronue both sat staring at the little demon, unable to move when Karasu moved in front of Hiei, lowering his face so he could look the triclops in two of his eyes.

"How was he? Did he writhe and squeal as much as you thought he would?" he asked, severely violating Hiei's comfort zone as he leaned closer with each question.

"You got drunk and fucked my friend!" Kuronue said, finally snapping from his reverie. "You got drunk! Off of ice cream! And fucked my partner! In the ass!" It's not every day you get to hear someone yell that and if it is, I would like to be friends with you.

"Well he couldn't possibly have stuck it in his eye," Karasu said. "That's just stupid."

"We did not have sex!" Hiei exclaimed, fire brimming in his eyes at the terrible (but still quite wonderful) misunderstanding he'd created for himself. "I might've just felt him up, I…I don't need to explain myself to the likes of you," he said, sitting back down with a huff. "In any case I'm not interested in the fox like that."

"Why not?" the other three club members intoned. They all looked at each other as if seeing each other for the first time.

"Well I know why I want the boy but what about you two?" Karasu asked, making the silence even more awkward. His and Hiei's intent looks didn't help the situation either.

"Um, well," Kuro awkwardly began. "It's not like he's ugly or anything. And I suppose if there was no one else around and nothing on TV or whatever…" he said his voice trailing off.

"I too agree that he is not unattractive," Yomi said, bending and breaking his pointer into many halves. "After all I have a son so I've no need of women anymore not that I'd give them up! But I'm not saying that given the right conditions an exception couldn't be made…"

silence filled the dark room as they several thoughts, some of them quite raunchy, crossed their minds. Somewhere, a fox sneezed, his ass cheeks tightening and felt a deep sense of foreboding.

End Chapter 9.

That line was from YYH Poltergeist Report Abridged by Lanipator. Good stuff. Go watch it.

Well folks that's it. My return to this story and you faithful awesome people. I'm still alive and this is what I give you in thanks for waiting for me. I know I'm a terrible person. Anyhoo, please be so kind as to leave your reviews and I'll try to let less than a year go by before the next chapter.

P.S. Maybe I should make a spin-off of the Fan Club and make a different fic? I have a feeling I'd end up turning it into yaoi. Also, did you catch all of the sight related jokes about Yomi seeing? I'm such a cornball but they were cracking me up.


	10. Just a note

Hi All.

Not sure if any of you have noticed, but for those of you who have me or any of my stories on your alerts list, you've probably realized that I haven't updated in ages and there a couple reasons for that.

This summer I got a paying job; that, along with _terrible_ time management, stole any time that I would have had to work on the two unfinished stories I've got going now.

Secondly, for any of you that have written anything, or tried to write something, then you may be familiar with that point many people hit. That point where you're just so very aware that what you're writing and creating is not the best that you can put out there. That's pretty much how I feel about these stories right now, and for me to continue them would just prolong this stage and I'd _really_ like to get past it.

So these fics are on probation for now. I'm leaving them up, for anyone who cares, but I'm going to start on something new. I'm really grateful for anyone who's read and taken the time to comment, put me on their favourites, alerts etc. and I'm glad if I've provided humour in anyone's day as a result of them reading what I've written; I'd just like to get better and so I'm moving towards that.

Thanks for reading and being patient,

Hope to see you all again soon.

MB.


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